Swiss Delights
by ComradeAngel
Summary: A small-town Wisconsin boy who arguably has no soul and a book fetish gets more than he bargains for after moving to a new town, and then moving into a house with his parents and two notably derpy Swiss nationals. Turns out geopolitics can be simplified with the death of 206 individuals. [possible OCxLiechtenstein; semi-self-insert, don't like don't read.]
1. Maramowseetokyo

**WARNING: OC, self-insert ahead. Don't like, don't read; if you continue on, don't give me crap about this being a self-insert. I try to make myself look as much like a soulless, awkward, ugly idiot as my pride and self-esteem will allow.**

* * *

**DISCLAIMER: **Noooo...nooo...I no own Hetalia. You go talk to actual company about that...

* * *

"I still think this sucks!" I exclaimed angrily as I helped load the last box into the back of the van. "Why do we have to _move_?"

I shivered involuntarily as the cold November Wisconsin wind blew through my black windbreaker, which was zipped all of the way up. I really didn't mind the cold, it was just my body that did.

"_Because,_" my mother explained in a exasperated tone for the thousandth time this week, "your father's getting transferred to the armory in Maritomahsauwaki. The commute is too long and our insurance changed as well because of it."

I grumbled again, using a few words Mother would have scolded me for using had she heard. Actually, I used every word I knew that she would scold me for had she heard. I didn't even try pronouncing the name of the place anymore - 'Muri-too-muh-sawa-key', 'Mara-moo-say-wakey'; it really didn't matter to me. All that mattered was that I was being dragged away from the only home and friends I'd ever known to go live in some impossible to pronounce town in the west of the state just because the United States Army National Guard saw it fit to ship my dad off there.

Oh yeah: my name's Michael Spear, in case you were wondering, like nobody ever does. I live in Nequiantigosenbi, in northern Wisconsin. I'm the awkward otaku that lives in peoples' closets - every school has one. Even my few friends aren't as bad as I am Yup, I'm the full package: a short, out of shape, gamer-nerd with thick glasses who obsesses over anime and can't seem to stop being a socially awkward penguin for more than five seconds at a time.

But enough of my self-pity.

Mom herded me towards her car, a grey old clunker from 2001. I reluctantly climbed into the front seat and looked over my shoulder at the elongated white cage tied down in the back seat, which housed my parakeet Sparta for the time being. The creature screeched and flapped its wings around, as if it were upset that we were leaving as well.

I sighed and settled in for ride.

* * *

Let me skip most of the boring stuff. We drove for half-an-hour, my dad driving the moving van and my mom the car, until Mom had to stop for a bathroom break. After we started off again, it was only an hour before she decided she needed another bathroom break and a trip through the McDonald's drive-through. Finally, after that, we managed to reach Muramowseetokyo without further incident.

As we drove into the city limits, my first impressions weren't very good. Maramoosatalki seemed just my hometown - small, under 20,000, with a bunch of two story, single-family houses that were painted every color of the rainbow. Beyond these, towards the center of town, was a commercial district filled with generic, family-owned shops which were occasionally loomed over by a Wal-Mart or Menards that had lumbered into town. Finally, around the city was forest. Nothing but forest. I guess more than a few things were similar.

"So tell me again," I said to Mom, "where are we living?"

"Oh, the state's arranged a house for us to stay in for as long as your dad's working in town. We don't have to pay rent, but we don't own it either, so _don't break anything_."

I rolled my eyes. Like I'd ever been known to break anything. Except everything I've ever touched. This was just great - we'd be living in some rundown government house for the next few years, and I'd be the new kid at some school, then probably end up beaten to death after a trial-by-jock.

At least, that's what I thought. I almost had a heart attack as we pulled up to the 'government house'. It turns out, not _everything _was similar to my hometown. The building I had been so sure would be some two-room shack was a huge Victorian-style house. It was painted an unassuming grey, with a huge front porch.

"This-" I stammered, "this is our new house?"

"For as long as we live in town." Mom answered in a singsong voice, obviously thinking that the house had won me over.

Okay, so we got to live in a nice, spacious house. That still didn't solve the issue of me leaving all of my friends behind. As my dad pulled into the house's driveway, I hopped out of the car and slammed the door in an angry fashion, figuring I had no choice but to make this as painless as possible for my parents. I let Dad unlock the back door of the moving van and push it up. Sighing, I grabbed a cardboard box and wondered if I was dying a little inside or not.

* * *

Luckily for me, Thanksgiving was on a Wednesday this year. Since we moved in on Thursday, this meant that I had plenty of time to get used to my new surroundings.

The house was even bigger on the inside - I didn't even bother counting all of the rooms. The best part of it all was that it came mostly furnished, so there was no moving of heavy furniture. I had chosen my bedroom, a small cubbyhole on the third floor. There was enough room for my desk, a bed, and my precious entertainment center. Don't even get me started on getting the television up the stairs.

The best part was, if I was bored, I could look out the large, round window onto the street below and watch people with a pair of binoculars I had found in a chest downstairs. My friends Kodi and Ryan had given me going away presents - Kodi's old BB-gun and a handheld spotlight respectively. One of our group's favorite activities had been leaning out Kodi's bedroom window to shine the spotlight at strangers during the night, then take potshots at them from above. Needlessly to say the police had been called more than once. However, there was still that option there.

At the moment, it was about eight in the morning on Saturday. Normally, I would never be caught dead up this early on a weekend. However, I felt compelled to _do _something. To explore my surroundings or something.

I noiselessly scurried across the carpeted floor in my socks to look out the chest-high window, pulling back the curtains. I had discovered a day earlier that the window swung open to the side, allowing me to step out onto a flat ledge just big enough for me to sit on without falling down into the porch roof below. What I saw bewildered me for a moment. Another moving van. Had Dad been transferred again? A day after we had all gotten settled in?

No, it wasn't that.

I absentmindedly scratched my shaggy brown hair as a blonde man in a green jacket and blue jeans got out of the truck before coming around to the passenger door. His hair seemed about the same length as mine from my current vantage point, and he couldn't have been older than twenty years. He opened the passenger door, and out stepped a little girl. No, no, not a little girl. She just appeared little, especially from up there - she was probably around my age. Her pink hooded sweatshirt billowed in the wind slightly as she zipped it up and thanked the older guy. She had short blonde hair, slightly shorter than mine, and a quick glance with my binoculars revealed that she had big green eyes just like mine, which drifted up towards the window. I quickly ducked, though I'm not sure why I didn't want her to see me.

Still crouching, I tried to add it all together. Moving van, plus teenage girl and an adult guy, equaled...another family moving in? It had to be a mistake. Mom had never said anything about another family moving in. She would have mentioned it, right?

My suspicions were proved correct when Mom's voice floated up from the staircase leading to the third floor.

"Mike, come meet the new family that's moving in with us!"

* * *

**A\N: **So yeah. I'm not sure where I'll take it from here. This fic will probably be human!Switzerland and human!Liechtenstein, or whatever it's called when the nations are actually legit humans. Then again, that raises the question why a Swiss\Liechtensteiner brother and sister moved into town, let alone a state-sponsored house, the likes of which I'm sure don't exist. Meh. I'll burn that bridge when I get there. So yeah: review, even if you didn't like it. Just don't be too harsh, kay? KAYTHXBAAAAAI!


	2. Meet the Hausnachbarn

**DISCLAIMER: **Seriously, I don't own Hetalia! I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME!

* * *

I reluctantly followed my mother down the steps, staying a good ten feet behind her the whole time.

Seriously, what was going on? I was never told we would be sharing the house with anyone, and if I had been I certainly wouldn't have expected such young people. Maybe some cranky old drill sergeant, yeah, but some guy barely out of his teens and a girl who had to be his little sister?

Internally, I was grumbling some more at Mom for not fully explaining the situation to me. However, I suppose the situation really _was _too good to be true; there was no way that we could've had this whole house all to ourselves. As we came downstairs, I heard voices coming from the entry hall; Dad and the guy. Mom rounded the corner to greet our guests – or housemates, I suppose, - but I stayed behind, hiding and peeking out from behind the corner. This may seem childish to you, but I was a highly suspicious and generally paranoid person by nature. I wasn't about to just let some strangers waltz into my new home without getting a good look at them first.

I poked my nose out and narrowed my eyes at the doorway, where the guy stood holding a large cardboard box, the girl beside him holding a small wooden jewelry box. They looked normal enough, and now that I had a closer look at them, they were definitely siblings. Mom glanced back at me.

"Come on and meet them! They're nice, trust me." she exclaimed, before turning to the siblings. "Michael is just shy."

Now internally shouting at Mom to not embarrass me at all, I came out into the open and approached the two, giving my mom a confused look and saying "Was?", but pronouncing the 'W' like a 'V'.  
I had been taking German 1 before we had moved, and loved to confuse my parents with the basic vocabulary I had scrapped together; these two would be no different. "Wie heiβen sie?"

The siblings looked confused a well for a moment, the brother scowling. Suddenly, the girl's face lit up and she took a few steps towards me.

"Oh, Sie sprechen Deutsch? Das ist sehr prima!" she exclaimed. Luckily, I understood her, despite the fact that her accent seemed a little…off. Not off in the American "why is the 'w' a 'v', what is this madness?" kind of way, but a more natural way, like she was from the German equivalent of Mississippi. I replied quickly.

"Ja! Guten tag, ich heiβe Michael. Sie?"

By now, my parents were wearing completely bewildered expressions and the girl's brother seemed to be coming down with an eye twitching problem. The girl smiled even wider and spoke quickly, not leaving me any time to wonder how she was so fluent in German.

"Guten tag! Ich heiβe Lili. Es ist schön, Sie kennenzulernen."

"J-Ja…es ist schön, Sie…Sie kennenzulernen auch." I replied; she was starting to venture outside of my German knowledge.

"Ich hoffe, wir können gute Freunde, Michael sein."

My sly, returned smile faltered for a moment. She was saying something about being friends, right?

"Ja. Ich auch." I answered, hoping that I hadn't just said "me too" to something stupid.

The girl spouted off another sentence that I wasn't able to follow before her brother shouted "Ruhig sein!" practically making the girl – Lili – drop her box.

"Es tut mir leid, großer Bruder …" Lili said quietly, returning to her brother's side.

They seemed to have a quick conversation of loud whispers in German before looking back towards me and my parents. Meanwhile, my parents were looking at me stupidly, wondering just what the hell had happened. I merely shrugged. Obviously they were German.

Lili's brother cleared his throat loudly and said in a voice with an accent I can only describe as 'odd': "I'm terribly sorry about that. I'm Vash Zwingli, and this is my little sister, Lili Zwingli. It's a pleasure to meet you all."

"Ja." Lili said with that same accent. "Pleased to meet you all."

No, wait – there _was _something different about Lili's voice: it was high pitched and adorable. Had I not been able to see her and only hear her voice, I would have never believed her to be a teenager.

"That's alright." Dad said in his gruff voice that came from years of being around other men with gruff voices. "I'm Rick, this is Bette, and this is our son Michael." He gestured to me. "So, I take it you two are from Germany then?"

Vash shook his head. "No. We're from Switzerland. I am, at least. Lili grew up in Liechtenstein."

"Wait, where's Switzerland again?" Dad asked.

"It's…south of Germany; next to Austria and to the right of France." Vash explained, even though it was in vain.

"Er…is that east or west of the Mississippi River?"

"I think it's to the east." Mom interjected.

Vash slapped his palm to his face and shook his head, grumbling in German. "All Americans are the same." he spat.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Dad demanded. "I was just asking a question."

I face palmed as well. My parents were such idiots sometimes. Twirling around to face them, I grabbed my dad by the arms (since his shoulders were out of my short little reach) and shook him while shouting very loudly: "SWITZERLAND IS A COUNTRY.", then almost as an afterthought "IN EUROPE."

Dad looked confused for a moment before grumbling to himself. Grumbling was proving to be a popular pastime in this house.

"Let me help you with your boxes." Dad said, walking past Vash out the door, towards the moving van while mumbling something about "them damn commies".

Vash scowled again and followed after him. "You really don't have to do that, Mister Spear!"

I chuckled embarrassedly at my father's arrogance, watching the two head for the moving van. Without looking at my mother, I asked, "So, when were you going to tell me about sharing the house?" in the best 'calm psycho' voice I could manage.

Mom stumbled over her words as she tried to find a good excuse, before finally resorting to the old "Why don't you kids come into the kitchen for some snacks?" gimmick, never mind the fact that me and Lili – who was still standing there looking a bit confused – were teenagers. Nevertheless, I took the bait for the sake of my Mom's sanity and twirled around on my heels to face Lili again.

"Was möchtet Sie sind essen?" I asked her, tilting my head to the side out of habit when asking a question.

She shook her head. "Nichts, danke. Ich würde es hassen zu verhängen."

She lost me after 'Nothing, thanks.' My confusion must have showed, because she smiled again and said "Nothing, thank you. I'd hate to impose."

My mother persisted, knowing that without a distraction she'd be forced to explain her error to me. "Oh, I insist! Besides, this is you and your brother's house too."

Lili made an interesting humming sound, as if this were a big decision for her. After moment she nodded. "Ein paar kekse, bitte."

Mom frowned. "Can we all speak English from now on, please? Me and Mike's dad don't speak any German. Or any language besides English, actually."

"Ja, okay. I mean yes!" the girl panicked, as if she'd made a fatal mistake.

* * *

A few minutes later, Dad and Vash walked into the kitchen, in the middle of an argument. Lili and I were seated at the kitchen counter eating cookies while she corrected my German from before.

"Well, Lili Is an expert knitter!" Vash snapped angrily.

"My Michael is an expert reader." Dad retorted.

"Lili can run a mile in eight minutes!"

"Michael can shoot an M4A1!"

"Lili can shoot an AUG!"

"Michael's a winner sperm!"

"Well…Lili was too!"

"He was the first to reach the ovula!"

"Yeah. So was Lili!"

"Dad, shut up please…" I interjected, attempting end this before it got ugly.

"Yeah? Well Mikey survived three abortion attempts!"

"Wait, what?!" I exclaimed, practically falling off of my stool at the kitchen counter.

"Nothing! GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS SON THAT I LOVE AND CERTAINLY ALWAYS WANTED." Dad said loudly. "I'm going to go get those other boxes."

I frowned as Dad left the room, trying to figure out what had just happened. Vash made an annoyed sound that was suspiciously similar to a cow's agitated mooing and looked to Mom.

"Your husband is so infuriating!" he exclaimed. Apparently, Vash was a very vocal man.

"Big bruder," Lili said, attempting to perform damage control. "have a cookie and calm down."

The girl held up the plate of cookies we had been nomming off of for Vash to take from. The man took one with a dejected sigh and sat down next to Lili. Even the way she said 'brother' was something I'd expect from a little kid.

The two were certainly interesting. During the time Dad and Vash were moving boxes, Mom had explained to me just how two Swiss nationals had been assigned a house by the American military – apparently, Vash worked with the Swiss government and was collaborating with some American partners in town for a few months, and his physical presence was required for whatever project they were working on. However, Mom still hadn't said why she never mentioned having to share the house, but I'd mostly gotten over that. The Zwinglis didn't seem like _total _psychos. Just 50% psycho (on Vash's part) and 50% derp (on Lili's part).

An awkward silence enveloped us for a moment, and I felt the need to break it somehow. "So, what was that about an abortion?"

* * *

A few hours later, I was up in my little cubbyhole, sitting on my bed. Laptop in my lap, I briefly scanned a news article that had popped up in my RSS feed. Not really paying attention to it through the Skrillex spewing from my headphones, I gathered some jumbled words about Russia, Kazakhstan, and annexation.

I glanced up as I did this and saw my door open slightly as a blonde head poked inside the. Lili said something that I couldn't hear because of the blaring dubstep in my ears. Muting the music, I lowered the headphones to around my neck.

"What?" I inquired, scratching my head absentmindedly.

"Can I come in?" Lili asked for the second time, cocking her head to side.

"Eh..." I said intelligently, trying to predict what would happen if my Mom found out I had let a girl I barely knew into my room.

Lili raised both eyebrows slightly and backed out of the room a little. "Oh, is there a 'No Girls Allowed Sign' somewhere?" she asked, sounding completely serious in that soft-toned, funny accented voice, looking around for an actual sign, even checking behind the door. I honestly couldn't tell if she was being serious or not.

"Nah." I said. "It's fine. My mom just doesn't like me hanging out with girls."

"Really? Why?" Lili asked, opening the door and walking in.

I shrugged and stood up, crossing my arms. "Hell if I know."

We stood there for a moment in silence. It really _was _awkward having a girl in my room, even if she sounded like a ten year old. Especially when that 10-year-old-sounding girl was an inch taller than me.

"So, what's up?" Lili asked.

It was my turn to raise an eyebrow. "You were the one who came to find me."

"Oh, right." She was silent for a moment before exclaiming, "I'm bored!"

I frowned a bit. She was just hanging out with me because she was bored, right? She didn't want to be my friend or anything, I was pretty sure. However, it was a big house after all - she could have easily gone off to do her own thing. Maybe she really wanted to be friends, since she seemed to be looking to me to help cure her boredom?

I smiled mischievously and decided to take a stupid chance, grabbing my BB-gun from the corner of the room, along with the spotlight, handing the latter to Lili. "Wanna go exploring?" I asked, a childish tone to my voice.

This was probably the make-or-break moment of any future friendship. Either she'd go along with it or call me stupid. To my surprise, she smiled back.

"Why do _you _get the gun?"

* * *

**A\N: **Just so you know, I'm probably _not _going to make this OCxLili. That'd be too unoriginal and self-satisfying. This fic is probably going to go more along the lines of "derpy-awkward-teenage-adventures w\ Lili and Mike'. Or not. I really don't know right now. Also, OOCness. OCCness EVERYWHERE! Thanks for reading; please review, but not in a way that makes use of excessive amounts of flaming.

Oh yeah, as per a suggestion by DeathThePanda, here's an English transcript of Lili and Mike's conversation, since I couldn't find a good way to incorporate it into the story itself:

**Mike:** "Huh? What are their names?"

**Lili: **"Oh, you speak German? That's great!"

**Mike: **"Yeah! Good day\Hello, my name is Michael. You?"

**Lili: **"Good day\Hello! My name is Lili. It's a pleasure to meet you!"

**Mike: **"Y-yeah. It's a pleasure to meet you too."

**Lili: **"I hope that we can be good friends, Michael."

**Mike: **"Yes. Me too."

**Vash: **"BE QUIET!"

**Lili: **"I'm sorry, big brother..."

[ENGLISH STUFF]

**Mike: **"Would you like something to eat?"

**Lili: **"Nothing, thank you. I would hate to impose."

**Lili: **"A few cookies, please."

Note that in German, there are two 'you's - a formal one (Sie), which is used in conversations with elders, strangers, people in positions of authority, etc., and an informal one (du), which is used with friends, close adults, and so on. Generally, a person will let you know if it's okay to refer to them as 'du'.

Some of the grammar may seem a bit off, but that's too be expected with any translation between languages - it's simply the way things are said in Germany. Well, Stuttgart at least, since that's where my Deutschlehrerin (German teacher) is from. That's enough of a German lesson for today, AUF WIEDERSEHEN!


	3. Klopfgeist

**DISCLAIMER: ***glares* No ownership. Except for Michael. Since he's more or less derpy, bleak me.

* * *

A dusty, dark room lay on the second floor of the house, untouched for years. It was one of many, and appeared to be a den of some sort, with a long dead fireplace and multiple sofa. The room was one of the few truly silent places left in the house since the two families had arrived. This all changed when the door flung open and smashed against the wall.

"Target left!" Lili shouted, pulling the trigger-switch on the searchlight and illuminating a plastic bottle sitting on a table, casting an odd shadow along the wall behind it.

I quickly raised my BB-gun up so that that 'target' was in my sights and pulled the trigger, offing the dastardly piece of plastic with a BB.

"Tango down!" I exclaimed.

The two of us advanced into the room. I was crouch-walking in front of Lili, who was standing up and methodically swinging the spotlight along the wall, looking for more household objects that she deemed fit to be our enemies. It had been a surprise to me when she had wanted to go along with my stupid 'soldier game', which involved crashing into various rooms and shooting random objects with the BB-gun, spouting military jargon the whole time. Lili really didn't look like the kind of girl who would be interested in such things, with her pink clothing, skirt, and quiet voice.

We walked farther into the old room, which reeked of mothballs and whose only lighting came from the spotlight Lili was shining around. It was actually kind of creepy, considering the hall light was burnt out and there was no light coming in from the windows at 5:00 PM in Wisconsin during November. After all, it was a big, old house with a lot of old things in it - maybe there were ghosts or demons or something. Oh, God! Why did I think that?! Now I'd be afraid to walk around the house at night! I _really _hated ghosts.

Seeing nothing that presented a clear and present danger to our mission, Lili lowered the searchlight, releasing the switch, then let out a surprised yelp as we were engulfed in darkness. I heard a loud 'thump' as the light hit the floor.

"Sorry!" Lili exclaimed as I heard her crouch down to pick it up, only to add a few seconds later, "I can't find the light."

"What?" I demanded, dropping down as well. "It has to be the size of your head!"

I blindly waved my hand around near the floor and discovered that _I _couldn't find it either.

The two of us began crawling around, looking for the light, bumping into each other several times and shooting off a torrent of apologies each time. God, if Mom found us like this, fumbling around on the floor in the dark. Actually, I should've been more worried about Vash - Mom was predictable, but he wasn't.

After five minutes of derping around in the dark, I suggested that we instead make our way towards the door, find a flashlight, then come back and look for the searchlight. Lili agreed, and we guided each other in the direction of the wall with the door based on our memory of entering. Imagine our confusion when we discovered that there was no door on that wall.

Or any of the other walls. No doorknobs, at least. Lili and I finally stopped our search and sat with our backs to the wall, side by side.

"Do we start shouting for help now?" Lili inquired with a huff.

"No. That would mean that my parents and your brother win."

"What do you mean?"

"Do you want your big bro to think you're a helpless derp?"

"Well, no..."

"Then we find a way out ourselves. I mean, it's only a matter of time before we find the doorknob."

The blonde made an agreeing 'Hm!" noise, and I suppose she was nodding in the darkness. We stayed sitting for a moment longer, the only sound being Lili's heavy breathing.

"You alright?" I asked, actually concerned. I may be a spineless coward, but I was inclined to feel sorry for another spineless coward, especially if that coward was a girl.

"Ja." Lili replied. "You should calm down, okay? Breath for a minute - like you said, it's only a matter of time until-"

"What do you mean _I _should calm down? You're the one hyperventilating over there."

"Huh? No, you're breathing hard over _there._"

I only had a split second to process this information before the searchlight flickered to life on the other side of the room and I came face to face with a young girl's silhouette crouched in front of us. Lili make an interesting 'eep'ing sound and I fought to keep the contents of my bladder in place as I tried to back further into the wall. Lili and I were silent for a moment, watching the silhouette and listening to what we guessed was _its _breathing.

"_Who are you?_" a distorted, girl's voice asked.

"Kumajirou?" Lili replied quickly, with an upward inflection as if asking a question, before slapping her hands over mouth and 'eep'ing again.

"_I'm Kaitlin. What's your name?" _The figure asked, tilting its head to the side like Lili and I had the habit of doing.

It's features slowly became visible to us - it was wearing a white dress and had long black hair. Its eyes were just barely closed, as well as its mouth.

"W-we-we're, I mean-" I sputtered.

"_Do you want to play a game?__"  
_  
Lili decided to be brave. "J-ja, sure. We'll play a game with you if you show us the door out." she bargained.

"_Do you want to play a game? Do you want to..._"

Suddenly he face become warped, twisted and demonic. Its mouth was three times the size it should have been and seemed to be a black abyss, and its eyes were no different.

"_Die?!_"

I'm not who screamed first in the following millisecond, but I _am _sure that I screamed the loudest, kicking out at the demonic figure. Normally, I wasn't afraid of a fight - some big guy at school challenges you, go for it. If he hurts you too badly, trust in the establishment to punish him. But a fight with a ghost? Hell no! Nobody could punish a ghost for ripping your intestines out and eating your soul. Suddenly, objects were flying and some sort of ghastly screaming filled the air, rising over our own screams. Me and Lili were holding each other, eyes screwed shut, deafening each other with our screams.

Just as suddenly as it all began, it ended as we both fell backwards through an open door, still screaming our heads off when it slammed shut on its own and the previously burnt out hall light flickered on. When we both finally realized was happened, we sat on the floor in shock for a while before we realized that we were still holding on to each other, then pushed away with identical yelps in the stereotypical teenage fashion.

"We don't say a word about this, yeah?" I asked, looking at Lili with wide eyes.

"Ja, agreed." she replied, nodding with equally wide eyes

After sitting for a few more seconds, I realized a very important fact.

"Hey, Lili..."

"Ja?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, go ahead."

"If I pissed myself, would you just pretend that I sat in some spilled water?"

* * *

**A\N: **Old, dusty house + derpy teenagers looking for adventure = paranormal activity. I am a movie geek, therefore your argument is invalid. Or not. Meh - I reject your reality and substitute it with my own. By the way, the 'twisted demonic face' I was imagining was the type that you see in the movie _Grave Encounters_. Great movie - I highly suggest it. So, minus school, what other derpy crap should Mike and Lili do? I may have an actual story, or it may be a bunch of oneshots; or, I could stop this future train wreck altogether if you think I'm a horrible writer who should have never been born - I never sad I was good at this, after all. *shrugs* REVIEWPLZTHXBAAAAAI!


	4. Neukinder

**DISCLAIMER: **I own a parakeet, a TV, a laptop, and an unfathomable amount of pickles, but not Hetalia. (:/)

* * *

Following our little 'incident', Lili and I bolted for the nearest brightly lit space, which after several minutes of sprinting through the maze-like hallways and freaking out over every little shadow that we saw along the way, just so happened to be Lili's room.

The blonde threw open the door, motioning for me to follow her in. The instant I crossed the threshold, however, I was bombarded by the sheer _girliness _of the room. The walls were painted a soft pink color, which had to have been done by the previous owner since the girl had only been in the house less than a day and the floor was covered in a light blue shag carpet. A large canopy bed was pushed up against the far wall so that the headboard was underneath a curtained window. A vanity table a armchair, along with a fairly tall bookshelf adorned different parts of the room, with adorable stuffed animals placed here and there.

Lili immediately plopped down on her bed and sat there, holding her head. I, unsure what to do while I was wearing urine soaked pants in a girl's room, just leaned against the wall, trying not to move and disperse the scent throughout the room. This quickly became boring, as neither of us were saying anything, and Lili was still just sitting there with he head practically between her legs.

"Uh, Lili?" I piped up, looking in her direction. "You okay?"

"Ja." came her reply. "It's just...I...ah...heh...ha..."

I was woefully unprepared for the torrent of laughter that the girl unleashed, falling back on her bed and clutching her stomach.

Maybe she had some sort of mental disorder. Split personalities - one that was quiet and shy, and one that was loud and adventurous. I certainly wouldn't have expected the girl I met in the entry hall a few hours ago to be laughing her butt off after being scarred for life by a demonic entity. Or maybe it was just me who was forever traumatized? However, something about her laugh was contagious. I joined in with my stupid hyena laugh, sinking to the floor and clutching my sides as well. If there had been anything left in my bladder it would be leaking again.

Maybe I'm using too much bladder humor? Bladder doesn't even sound like a word to me anymore. Bladder, bladder, bladder, bladder, bladder! Bladder. Blaaaadeeeerrrr. Bladder...

We stayed like that, red in the face and barely able to breath in our uproar, for several minutes before I finally stopped, Lili following shortly behind.

"So," I asked. "What's so funny?"

She looked at me like I'd just said something incredibly stupid. "We just got lost in pitch blackness and scarred for life by some _Geist; _that was the most fun I've had in a while!"

So _she _was going to have sanity-shattering nightmares for years to come as well. That was good; well, bad too. You know what I mean.

"Really?" I asked, genuinely surprised.

"Ja! Vash always makes me study or train; the only time I normally get to see people my age is when we come down from the mountains in Bern."

Something clicked in my head - was the only reason she wanted to be friends with me because she didn't know anybody else her age, and that she didn't know I was a 'nerd'? It would make sense - she sounded home schoole, and based on how she said 'come down from the mountains', she probably lived in a pretty rural area. Or maybe I was just being paranoid? Did I have trust issues, or would someone else think the same thing in this situation? There was one way to tell.

"Lili, is Vash homeschooling you while you're here?" I asked.

"Nein - he's sending me to American school while we stay here."

So, that would be the deciding moment...er, day. Monday when we started school here in Impossibrutopronounceville. Seriously, what the hell was wrong with me?

I was torn away from my thoughts as the door flew open faster than the ghost-door did, and I was shoved to the ground with the barrel of a handgun pressed against the back of my head, my glasses skidding across the floor and leaving me as good as blind.

"Big bruder, was machst-!" Lili began, only to be cut off by Vash's voice.

"Lili! Hat er dir weh geten?!"

Their German after that was lost to me - too advanced for a first year student. I managed to twist my head around slightly and see Lili's blurry shoe's approach timidly. Or maybe not - my depth perception was horrible without my glasses; she could be on the other side of the room for all I knew. She seemed to be losing an argument with Vash.

Finally, Vash said something in English. "...and why does he smell like piss?"

"Well, you see Vash," Lili began, "we were e-"

I knew she was going to say 'exploring'. What a stupid thing to tell an overprotective guardian you were doing with a strange boy. I had to think fast.

"We were eee_yaaarn_ _knitting! Totally!_" I exclaimed before she could finish her sentence. "Lili was teaching me how to knit a blanket for my poor mum! She's always getting so cold, so I thought I'd-"

I felt, rather than saw, the pissed off glare coming from Vash. The man yanked me to my feet in the roughest manner possible and flung me out the door, making me bang my head on the wall.

"Don't ever let me catch you alone with Lili again you little dummkopf! And change your pants, for Christ's sake!" the Swiss man shouted after me.

My BB-gun came second and hit me right in the stomach like an arrow or something. I was just lucky it _wasn't_ an arrow, and that it didn't hit me in the knee, otherwise-...no...I won't go down that road...

* * *

The rest of the weekend was pretty awkward, especially the meals. My father had to explain to Vash and Lili the concept of 'Hot Pockets' and 'Chicken Pot Pies', since nobody in my family could cook worth squat, Vash was often too busy, and Lili wasn't allowed near hot or sharp objects.

The worst part was being around Vash when my parents weren't nearby - when my father was at the armory or obsessing over the old house's appearance, and when my mom was doing her whole 'teaching foreigners English over the internet' thing. Vash would hover over Lili everywhere she went in the house, and practically growl at me whenever I came nearby. It was really horrible when he would purposely wait until a few hours after a meal and then stand next to the nearest bathroom door, lecturing Lili on '_1000 Ways to Save Money on Bathroom Expenses_', chasing me away when I tried to make a beeline for the toilet and moving immediately to whatever other bathroom I tried. I started to hate the guy, even though Lili seemed to hang on to almost every word he said like it was gospel.

Finally, Monday morning came.

I had set my alarm clock for 6:45 AM, but it decided to be derpy and sing me the song of its people at 5:30 AM; I was just lucky that it didn't echo throughout the house thanks to me skyward position. Unfortunately, this set off Sparta the Derpakeet for the next hour, meaning that I couldn't get back to sleep.

So, I dragged myself out of bed, sleep deprived and cranky, to start my first school day in Makamakascrewit.

Things seemed to improve from there - I got dressed in my favorite light blue hoody, had a safe supply of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and milk for breakfast, and Vash didn't become a threat until 5:49, when he sat down next to me at the kitchen counter, eating a large muffin he had taken from a cabinet labeled '_die Schweizer Lebensmittel_', which I was pretty sure meant '_the Swiss Food_'. We sat side by side in silence, the tension in the air able to be cut by a knife.

"You're using too much milk." the man said without looking at me, taking another bite of his muffin.

"What?" I asked, caught off guard by his statement.

"You have way too much milk in that bowl - it's a waste."

"I didn't realize you were a milk-use expert."

"I'm not - I just know how to be frugal."

We returned to uneasy silence, eating our breakfast until Dad came storming downstairs, all dressed up in his uniform like he was required to be to go push pencils at a weapons cache in the middle of a state that didn't need any defending.

"Come on, kid!" Dad exclaimed, slapping Vash on the back, causing him to choke. "We need to go, and Mike and Lili need to go to school!"

The Swiss man grumbled, shoving the rest of the muffin into his mouth and throwing on what seemed to be a Swiss Army jacket over his black t-shirt. "We still have thirty-eight seconds to spare, Richard, but fine."

Vash looked to me, throwing one last glare my way as he and Dad left, not twenty seconds before Lili came padding down the stairs in a pink blouse underneath a light yellow jacket. She smiled at me and dug around in the 'Swiss Only' food cabinet for something to nom on for breakfast just as I went to go rinse out my bowl.

"So." I said, leaning on the counter as she ate. I absentmindedly played with the drawstrings of my hoody. "First day of school in 'Merica. You excited?"

Lili held up a finger, telling me to _"_wait until she was finished chewing". She was still so weird. Proper enough to not talk with her mouth full, but derpy enough to laugh about a traumatizing paranormal event? W-E-I-R-D. She swallowed.

"I suppose. I finally get to hang out with kids my age. I'm looking forward to making lots of new friends."

I felt my eye twitch a little at the girl's naivety. If she wasn't careful, the popular girls at school would rip her apart. God, what a bleak outlook I had on school.

"What about you?" Lili asked. "Are you excited?"

I thought for a moment. "I dunno - personally, I think all teachers and principles are fascist idiots who need to be bought down a peg, but I love books, so-" A quick glance at my watch added an unnecessary sense of urgency to our situation. "LET'S GO!"

I pulled the poor girl away from her breakfast and handed her the pink backpack with a crown be-jewel-dazzled (or whatever it is girls do to put sparkly designs on their stuff, I don't know!) on it that could only be hers, picking up my own grey backpack and slinging it across my back, then practically kicking the door open. I didn't care if it woke Mom up - she could get up at six like the rest of us. Screw teaching!

* * *

I had to tug Lili along at a high speed as we walked to school, as she constantly stopped to look at things that were evidently uncommon in Switzerland, as well as the late autumn blooming flowers. I had to agree with her that the plants _were _pretty, but I left out the part about them having a short life because I might upset her.

Basically, I started to pity Vash. Keeping Lili focused on something difficult, like walking in a straight line, was incredibly challenging, and getting her from Point A to Point B? Forget about it! She kept getting distracted by everything, even the graffiti on the side of some seedy looking pizza joint. I began wondering if she really _did_have split personalities - a quiet, shy, serious one; a loud, adventurous, playful one; and a derpy, ditzy one with the attention span of a small puppy. If she did, she seemed to have mastered hiding their transitions, and -...why couldn't I just call someone derpy and stop speculating?

"You're a derp." I stated bluntly as we stopped in front of Minivanalotown High School.

"Was?" Lili asked, shooting my a confused look.

"Just though you should know." I shrugged, walking ahead of her.

This high school was just like the old one - a chaos of cars out front caused by legions of overconfident, new drivers; hundreds of students milling around inside and outside pretending to be cool, and the entire building looked just like some sort of 1970s prison. Just looking at the massive amount of upperclassmen who were several heads taller than me, then remembering that I was the new nerd made me break out in a cold sweat. Either I'd manage to not get beaten into a pulp and live to see day two, or I'd die a horrible, painful death within seconds of entering.

I led Lili through the door and into the main office, where an elderly secretary woman who _really _looked like she wanted to be anywhere else took care of our 'new student paperwork'.

"And where did you say you and your sister are from?" she asked for the third time in a nasally voice.

"She's not my sister." I corrected her, trying to remain as polite as my little hateful mind would allow. "I'm from Nequiantigosenbi, Wisconsin, and Lili is from Bern, Switzerland."

"Hm...where's Switzerland?" She looked toward a world political map plastered on the wall above the words 'Education Opens a World of Possibilities'. "That's next to Wyoming, right?"

"Yeah, sure." I agreed, resisting the urge to face palm. Lili's expression turned sour at the fact that nobody seemed to know where her homeland was.

"Alright then..." the secretary mumbled, scribbling on a piece of paper as if it were actually important. "You're at locker 560 and she's at 562. Take these locks and go do whatever it is teenagers do before school."

"Yeah...thanks."

"Danke." Lili said, nodding courteously as she followed me out, examining the class schedules that we had been given.

We walked wordlessly as I guided her through the crowd by the sleeve, her attention completely fixated on the schedules. I briefly wondered if she was ditzy like this because she was used to Vash always guiding her around. This thought caused the adorable image of some anime-chibi Lili holding a chibi Vash's hand as they walked along. I violently shook my head from side to side to stop thinking about stupid things, then played it off as a sneeze just in case anybody noticed.

Lili looked up from the schedules. "You aren't catching a cold are you?" she asked, concern in her voice.

"N-no, I'm fine." I said quietly, not wanting anyone to hear the new kids having a stupid conversation.

As we walked silently, I picked up on some of the stupid conversations various kids were having.

"You get that new Skillet album, dude?"

"Hey, gonna be at the party tonight?

"Did you hear about that attack on the Swiss embassy in D.C.?"

"Yo, how much is the square root of 43?"

"Got change for a quarter?"

After what seemed like a lifetime of walking, we reached our lockers - mine, 560, was in between two unused lockers, while Lili's, 562,was at the very end of the row, one locker away. I slid my backpack onto the floor and began unloading binders and books into the locker, motioning for Lili to do the same. I was surprised when she followed suit. After all of the boring preparations were done, I stood beside her to look at our schedules.

"Oh, sehr gutt!" she exclaimed. _Very good. _"Wir haben alle unsere Klassen zusammen!"

My little eye twitch returned, and suddenly I feared I was coming down with Vash Zwingli Syndrome. I had...every... class...with her?

* * *

**A\N:** *can't think of anything clever to put down here* Oh, but if you're being irked by the grammar and multiple 'and's in sentences, I'm trying to write this like I\altered-self-insert-me were actually telling this story; I figure that some random Wisconsinite parents and students couldn't be bothered to use proper grammar in casual conversation...so yeah. Also, I'ma be obnoxious and make most of the chapter titles German words. Today's word is 'new kids'. (:p) Creative criticism welcome, please evacuate before the train wreck, review, I have no caffeine in my system and am about to pass out. KTHXB-...


	5. Bedeutenkinder

**DISCLAIMER: **I no own Hetalia. *hides behind Russia* Now go read!

* * *

I mean, I didn't have an issue with Lili, believe me, it was just...I'd be guiding her around and making sure she didn't derp herself out of town _all day_. I suppose I could have just left her for dead and let her deal with the consequences of public derpiness, but _nope_. She was my only friend here, and I was inclined to help her. So, to stop the twitching in my eye and the future headache in my skull, I slammed my head against the locker in between mine and Lili's full force, leaving a sizable dent, causing her to 'eep' and immediately ask if I was okay.

Now, let me tell you about our school day, leaving out the boring parts, while I still have a little bit of my sanity.

First, there was German 1, which Lili of course excelled in and I did adequately in. The fact that she was a native speaker from Bern interested our teacher, _Herr _Geiger, who was born and raised in Munich. The two had even had a lengthy conversation about something relating to "the parallels between Swiss and Bavarian culture" in German; I only knew what it was about because I knew the words for 'Swiss', 'Bavaria', and 'culture', then had Lili fill me in afterwards. I soon heard the other kids whispering and snickering, calling her 'Teacher's Pet' within the first fifteen minutes of class.

Then, there was World History, which had to be my favorite subject. Unfortunately, the teacher was some sort of hyper-religious conservative who scrutinized children who didn't play sports or share his political views, even though most Freshmen barely knew the different between 'Democrat' and 'Republican' beyond which one their parents said was 'bad'. This was a very difficult class to sit through for a quasi-atheist, semi-socialist like me, and I don't think the teacher liked me very much, even though I seemed to know everything about ancient Rome. Lili was right there beside me though, firing off answers. The girl knew her Rome.

Then there was science! Physical Science, with math and a crash course on everything we'd be learning in later years. Since I generally got along with formulas and the periodic table, it was fairly easy for me, and once again Lili was excelling.

Then came study hall. I was lucky enough to be seated next to Lili, something that I hadn't had the luxury of since her name, '**Z**wingli', was at the end of the alphabet, and as such she was generally seated on the far side of the room. She helped me with my German, and I pointed out some problems she had gotten wrong on her Science assignment. We were a dream team, and I was pleased to see that the Swiss's ditzyness only extended to social interactions and walking in straight lines - she seemed to be a dedicated student from what I had seen so far.

After that was lunch. The two of us walked together, talking about how easy History had been, got some unidentifiable meat that the lunch lady passed off as cheeseburgers from the lunch line, and made our way to the nearest table, dodging upperclassmen as we went. Lili had just made a joke about badgers as we were about to sit down, when a thought struck me. I stood there, a confused look on my face as I tried to juggle my thoughts and not dropping my tray.

"Don't sit by me, kay?" I told her, trying to sound nonchalant.

"Was?" she replied in German, then English. "Was the joke really that bad? Do Wisconsinites get offended by badger jokes?"

"N-no, it's not the joke. Just at lunch, ya' know - don't sit by me."

"But why?"

"I'm a nerd - sit by me at lunch and your reputation is screwed."

"What's wrong with being sm-"

"Absolutely nothing, but the idiots here don't seem to realize that high school only lasts for four years. If you sit by me, your chances of meeting any 'okay' friends your age are slim to nil, and slim just left town."

The girl furrowed her brow slightly, processing what I had just told her. She nodded, with a concerned look in her eye before trotting off towards the nearest group of Freshman girls. I sighed and sat down for a boring lunch. I'd like to think that I did the noble thing, you know? Gave up our friendship during lunchtime so that she could have friends? In reality, it was a small thing, but it made me even more pissed off at the high school social system.

I was broken from my thoughts about my place in the universe and what meat could possibly be in a grey hamburger when a large guy in a Letterman jacket sat down across from me. Before I could move, I was boxed in on all sides by jocks, with one even standing behind me.

"So, you're the new nerd, huh?" the one across the table asked, narrowing his eyes at me.

"Y-yeah." I answered, suddenly feeling self-conscious of my high pitched voice while surrounded by baritone upperclassmen. "What's it t'you?"

Crap. I was being brave.

"You do know what that means, right?" the jock asked, grinning evilly.

"Eh...that you all realize the futility of your existence and have come to me for the necessary rope, bullets, and gasoline required to end your miserable lives?" I replied quickly, cocking my head to the side and smirking.

"What the hell? Jack!"

Suddenly, my tray flew up into my face and I was picked up under the armpits. I began struggling, kicking out as my body was lifted off of the seat and into the air.

"Le'me down, you-"

A series of curses that I feel the younger readers should be spared off followed this. I'll just censor it out or something, yeah? All of you big kids and use your powerful _imag-agnag-ination-isms _to fill in the blanks.

The jocks carried all 130 pounds of me effortlessly into the nearest bathroom and kicked in a stall door.

"Wait, crap! You idiots actually give swirlies?" I exclaimed, try to push away from the guy who had me under the arms. "How freaking unoriginal can you get?!"

I was rewarded for my little outburst by having my head shoved into the toilet bowl, presently filled with a brownish-yellow tinted water. I clenched my eyes shut and held my breath, not giving them any more satisfaction out of the act. Some teachers or adults would come soon.

"_Trust in the establishment,_" I thought desperately. "_These guys are going to really get it when all of this is over._"

But nobody came. They held me under, flushing the toilet, then pulling me out for a split second to make sure I didn't die on them, before finally shoving me back under, then rinsing and repeating. I'm not sure how long I was kept like that, but eventually the pressure on my head and back lightened up, and I was chucked against the stall wall as the jocks left the room, laughing joyfully at a job well done.

I sat there for a moment, hair sopping wet and my glasses gone, probably crushed somewhere on the cafeteria floor. Standing up, I shook my head like a dog, splattering the walls with toilet water. Approaching the sinks, I was pleased to find in the mirror that my face was mostly in tact. Nothing serious. I smirked and began drying my hair off underneath a blow dryer - you know, the annoying white things that never totally dry your hands? Patting down my now frizzy hair, I was satisfied that I'd ruined their victory for them.

* * *

Trudging into Algebra, 5th hour, Lili greeted me. I nodded and smiled, trying to convince her that I was fine. She had seen me get carried off, and had been extremely worried that the jocks had seriously injured me. I assured her that I had come out of everything mostly unscathed, and she took her seat, blowing right through her assignment while I chugged along, barely comprehending any of it.

Then, we had Physical Education! There isn't much to say about it, but let me state a few facts: a fat guy in a jogging suit was the teacher, I made a fool of myself by being an uncoordinated, pudgy nerd, and Lili seemed to be a natural-born athlete.

Finally was English, which didn't yield any problems for me, though Lili certainly asked a lot of questions about proper grammar rules.

And that was our day! Lili's seemed to go swimmingly, and mine was a total piece of crap!

Things continued on like this for the next four days - every day at lunch, I would get the crap beat, drowned, choked, or insulted out of me, with no adult coming along to help me out, while Lili sat with a group of friends giggling and trying to forget what was happening in the boys' bathroom down the hall. This was mostly because every day during 5th hour I would assure her that I was fine - she seemed to have no reason to worry. My parents didn't notice anything because I was so good at hiding it, and Vash was only concerned with how Lili was doing, still consumed with a somehow 'indifferent' sadistic hatred towards me.

Was this a sacrifice? Had she sat with me any of those days, she would've become an instant target for other girls. I decided that I was a hero for sparing her the torment. Yup. I'm the hero! Wait, where have I heard that before? It seems so familiar... never mind that!

Finally, on Friday, something had happened to break this routine. Snow. Honest to God white snow, falling from the sky. Late in the year for northern Wisconsin. When Lili and I left for school that day, the weather forecast predicted more than three feet of snow, which would later evolve into a qausi-blizzard. However, the idiotic school board didn't think it was necessary to delay or call off school. Dad assured me that one of the adults of the house would come to pick us up after school. Not that I was worried at all though - snow was a fact of life here.

The day went as normal - adequate morning, horrible bully-filled lunch, crappy afternoon. The universe seemed to be working properly, despite the massive amount of snow dropping from the sky outside. However, another event shattered our little bubble of reality. As I was rounding the corner to get to my locker after school, I saw a gaggle of girls gathered around Lili nearby. I stopped involuntarily, contemplating the hundreds of cons to going over there right now.

"I mean really, who _wears _that?" a girl demanded venomously.

They were talking about clothes then. I would be there a while.

"Your outfit is just so freaking ugly!"

"And so is your hair!" another added. "It's so short! What are you, some bi slut or something?"

I became confused.

"R-really..." Lili's soft voice interjected. "I need to get going..."

"And that freaking accent! What kind of retarded little slut are you, seriously?! You think you're better than us cause you're European, you little commie slut?"

"N-no! I never said anything about-"

"Just shut up! You do realize that everyone hates you, right? Even your family. You're just too ugly and stupid for anyone to love."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Weren't these girls...Lili's friends? Could Lili's fragile little mind even handle what she was hearing?

"You reek, you're fat, and you're just so damn ugly! WHY THE HELL WERE YOU EVEN BORN?!"

The minute I heard the involuntary sniffle come from Lili, I sprung into action without thinking. I bolted around the corner towards the group.

"Oi, lay off you little skanks!" I shouted angrily, approaching the girls. "What right do you have to insult her like that, huh?! Lili's never done anything to nobody! She just cares and cares and cares, she loves life, and you come along and feel the need to put her down because of it?!"

I looked up, glaring into the lead-girl's eyes, even though she had to be a foot taller than me. I smirked and my voice took on a sadistic tone.

"Oh, I know! You're all such pathetic little sluts that you feel the need to bring down someone the actually _matters_!"

The girl took a step back, surprised by my boldness.

"Frankly, bullying is just lame and pathetic. You all need to get your acts together, learn about the real world, and start crying over the fact that you lost your God damned virginity at _eight years of age_, which is the reason that you're all competing to be the community bicycle! Now, get the hell out of here!"

Silence enveloped us all as my echoes faded in the hallway. The target of my onslaught looked at me with annoyance and disgust.

"Chuck!" the girl shouted. "Take care of this little retarded loser!"

Some people really were hopeless.

A jock rounded appeared out of a nearby classroom and lumbered towards me. Chuck was African American, and had to be well over six and a half feet tall. His football jersey revealed ripped arms that could only be obtained from hours of benching at the gym. My blood froze, and I backed up a little. What had I gotten myself into?

Chuck advanced on me quickly and I had to make an even quicker decision: fight or flight? Well, flight of course! But that would leave Lili to fend off those idiot bully girls by herself, something she seemed incapable of doing right now, despite the '_gung-ho!' _personality she had exhibited over the weekend. Once again without thinking, I made my move, throwing all 130 pounds of myself into a headbutt aimed directly at Chuck's stomach. He stumbled backwards and grabbed me by the neck with one hand, lifting the rest of my body over his head with the other.

"Craaaaaaaaaaaaaap!" I screamed indignantly, thinking fast for a way out of the situation before he splattered me against the floor.

I was in the air. What to do in the air? His hand was tight around my neck, so I couldn't bite it, but the rest of my body was free to wriggle around, as his other hand was merely on my back. I smiled widely at Chuck's idiocy and managed to maneuver my leg in a fashion that allowed for me to deliver a kick to his head. He stumbled to the left a little, surprised and dazed. His grip on my neck lightened. This was my chance. Screw the theatrics and end it quick.

I lunged for his throat, to put it simply. Maybe I watched too many vampire-zombie-werewolf movies, but it seemed like an effective tactic to say the least. He shouted in anger as I gained a foot-...er, mouth-hold on his neck and bit down as hard as I could. I could tell it wasn't serious though - I hadn't gotten a major artery.

Chuck quickly dropped me and stumbled backwards as the gaggle of girls he'd been defending looked on in horror and disgust.

"THE LITTLE FREAK BIT ME!" he screamed. "I'M FREAKING DYING!"

It was my turn to look with disgust. "Get over it, you little brat." I said, glaring at him. "It serves you right for backing up those sluts with the inferiority complexes."

The girls quickly bolted out of sight, screaming for a teacher or a doctor, that "a nerd had come down with rabies" and was "trying to make them all gross and friendless like him". This really disgusted me, but that feeling was washed away by the realization of what I had just done. I just bit a jock in the throat - tomorrow, I would be the biggest, most avoided freak in school, and the beatings would get twenty times worse. I turned around to ask Lili if she was okay, only to bump into a green jacketed chest.

Looking up, I saw Vash's face, set with a hard to read expression. With my luck, he had probably only seen the incriminating parts. Actually, if there had been a camera recording the whole event, the staff would've probably edited it to incriminate me just to keep the popular kids with wealthy parents happy.

"Get your stuff." he said in a monotone voice before approaching Lili and hovering again. Chuck had stopped screaming, and was struggling dramatically down the hall, swearing up a storm to rival the blizzard beginning outside, even though if one were to stop and inspect his injury for a moment, you could tell that it was nothing serious. Minuscule even.

I quietly gathered my backpack, light with no homework, as Lili did the same. The three of us wordlessly walked out of the school to a dark green truck that Vash had to have rented. The drive home was equally silent, even though I was waiting for Lili's brother to erupt into some angry German rant at me, and forbid me from being with five hundred feet of his younger sister at any time. Instead, he stayed silent as well, only speaking to mutter the occasional curse under his breath at the idiot drivers, whose performance was only worsened by the developing snowstorm.

Pulling into the driveway at home, Lili and I rushed into the house as fast as we could through the snow, which was just below my knees right then and still coming down fast. Three feet my butt...

I felt a hand on my shoulder as I crossed the threshold out of the entry hall. Tilting my head back at an uncomfortable angle, I saw Vash looking down at me, except upside-down because of the perspective. I twirled around and looked at my shoes, then began to fire off some half-thought-out apology for nothing. Vash stopped me with one word that left me speechless for most of the night. I looked up at him incredulously, my mouth gaping. He actually smiled at me, and said:

"Danke."

* * *

**A\N: **School really delayed this chapter, and my proofreading of previous chapters. I think I did more OOCness tonight, but whatever. I'll proofread some junk and hope nobody flames me off the site. The title this time means "Mean Kids", by the way, because I couldn't think of anything better.


	6. Zwillingeindringlinge

**DISCLAIMER: **Lolnoownership. Go on then, shoo. Wait, no! Read my f-!

Oh yeah! I blame school and games for the delay. BLAME THEM! I SAID BLAME THEM! Also, serious chapter. :/

* * *

I was left speechless for the next few hours. Vash had actually smiled at, then thanked me. The universe was completely broken!

Lili herself seemed pretty shaken. Vash told her that he had some paperwork to go do, before walking off to some room on the second floor to push pencils and fill out forms. I hoped that this was a sign that he trusted me now, leaving me alone with Lili, and not just some effect of the shock of what she had gone through.

So, sitting on the living room couch with Lili and flipping through channels on the television, I was unsure of what to say to her.

"...zzt- I tawt I taw a putty tat!...zzt..."

"...zzt- Who ya' gonna call? GHOST-...zzt..."

"...zzt- a monumental day for the Eurasian Union as Ukraine and Belarus sign onto the Commonwealth Pact; NATO warns that further aggressive action by the new coalition will-...zzt..."

"..zzt- who's chair is this? STUPID CHAIR! -...zzt..."

Switching to one of the Dish CD music channels, I tried to think of what to say. The blonde had regained most of her bravado since we had all gotten home, and seemed to be unperturbed by the events of this afternoon.

"So..." I said somewhat casually, propping my head up with my hand, elbow resting on the couch arm, not looking at Lili. "You okay?"

"Ja." she replied without missing a beat, smiling. "They didn't hurt me. You know the saying - sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me."

"But the despair will always live on inside me." I answered equally fast, causing her to do a double take at me as she tried to look at the television screen and me at the same time.

"W-was?"

"That's bull, and you know it, Lili." I told her, my voice suddenly stern. Why was I acting like this? "Words can move mountains, burn nations and kill millions." That phrase...where had I heard it before?

She seemed taken aback by my comment, looking away and playing with the drawstrings of her favorite pink hoody. "Well, ja...I probably know that better than you...but..."

"But nothing." I interrupted. I reminded myself of someone at that moment, but who? "How long was that going on?"

After a moment of hesitation, the Swiss looked at me and said, "They started this morning, and it...just got worst."

She winced, seemingly involuntarily as if expecting me to explode at her or something. That was when it hit me: I was acting like Vash, like some overprotective big brother. This realization startled me, and I tried to organize my thoughts while responding to Lili at the same time.

"You should've just told them to screw off."

"But-"

"No buts, remember?"

She was silent for another moment. "You seemed kind of scary back there. I didn't know you could be so mean."

I processed this information. Yeah, I could be mean when I wanted to. I'd like to think that I was an accomplished troll, able to covertly antagonize someone in a completely un-serious manner. I had YouTube to thank as a training ground for honing my grand skills. However, I was rarely one to rush into a physical fight or argument, or bring my philosophy of "we've been dying since our birth, initiate chaos" to light.

I suppose that it was sort of instinctive. In just one week, Lili and I had become fairly close - not close close, but close enough that we could call each other friends and I could call her 'bro' or 'dude' without being promptly kicked in my vital regions. Maybe I finally just snapped - the fact that those preps were bullying Lili like that for absolutely no reason must've gotten to me. I'm not sure where the "she gives and gives and gives" part came from though - it was probably just a dramatic, spur-of-the-moment thing.

"You'd be surprised." I answered her, recalling the years of ridicule and bullying at my old school, during which Kodi was often my only friend and beacon of hope.

The memory of me sitting on the floor upstairs in my old house, staring at my father's prized handgun that he had carried through Operation Desert Storm, flashed through my mind. I held it in my hands and flipped off the safety, tears welling up in my eyes. Before I could raise it to my head, something clicked inside my mind that I was sure would carry me through the rest of school and my life life. I removed the full magazine from the handgun and placed it back inside the gun cabinet.

"Sometimes ya' gotta just suck it up though and tell people t'screw off, though." I continued. Suddenly extremely serious, I snapped my head in Lili's direction. "And you _can't give up_. Giving up is for cowards and idiots."

I felt self-conscious and melodramatic, vaguely aware that I was reciting a modified speech I gave to Ryan's girlfriend two years ago about why it was stupid to commit suicide.

"Because it's your only life, and if you wanna waste it because of something some dead-inside slut says..."

I stopped, unsure how to continue. This all sounded a lot better in my head.

"Then you're a bigger idiot than them?" Lili finished, a concerned look on her face, likely a result of my sudden change in personality.

"Sure. Yeah." I replied. "Because in the end, it doesn't matter what anyone says or thinks. We're all going to die anyway, so you might as well live while you can."

The blonde seemed taken aback by this. A stunned expression spread across her face for a moment, as if she couldn't comprehend the phrase "we're all going to die anyway". I was worried that I had gone too far - made her think that I was some emo jerk. Imagine my surprise when she flung herself towards me and engulfed me in a hug.

I immediately freaked out, unaccustomed to physical contact with other people, let alone girls.

"Thanks for protecting me, Michael." she said. "Du bist ein sehr gut Freund!"

I could feel my cheeks growing red from the compliment. I suppose I _was _a good friend. I don't know how many other nerds would have stood up to a gaggle of popular girls and a six foot tall football jock in the defense of some girl he had only met a week ago. Unfortunately, self-back-patting was against my philosophy. It was dangerous to have a "better-than-thou" attitude.

"Uh, j-ja." I said. "Bitte."

I internally facepalmed at the fact that all I could say back was "you're welcome".

"So...are we good?" I asked, still concerned I'd damaged Lili's impression of me.

"Ja...why wouldn't we be?"

"No reason."

An awkward moment passed.

"Can you...uh, let go of me Lili? I have a feeling Vash wouldn't like this one bit."

* * *

The next day, after recovering from our awkward-serious discussion, me and Lili sat down at the breakfast table to discuss what to do on a snowy Saturday.

Vash and Dad had gotten up around 6:00 to go about their daily routine of getting in uniform, arguing about when to leave, then speeding away to push pencils next to a main battle tank and enough weaponry to overthrow a small African nation.

Us teenagers, on the other hand, had gotten up at 10:00, relishing the ability to sleep in later than the crack of dawn. I would've easily slept until noon, had Lili not barged into my room exclaiming "Eggs and Bac'y! Eggs and Bac'y!" in German while blowing a whistle in my ear.

Screaming something about Narnia and Alex Mason, I fell out of bed entangled within the blankets, flailing around impressively.

"WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?!" I demanded, scrambling to my feet, unaware of the fact that I was only wearing my boxers and a t-shirt. This meant that the slight bulge of my belly was clearly visible. Normally my baggy clothing served to hide the fact that I was much heavier than I initially appeared.

Lili stopped doing...whatever is was that she was doing...and looked at my quizzically for a moment, as if perplexed that my chubbiness was thorough.

"Waking you up!" she answered cheerfully. "I want us to make breakfast, instead of just eating cereal."

I angrily remembered that Lili was a morning person.

"Fine..." I replied, even though I knew little about cooking. "Just, let me get dressed, yeah?"

Before she could answer I quickly pushed her out the door and scrambled into my usual outfit of a hoody of some random, non-bright color and jeans, tripping over a flat surface multiple times in the process. Did I mention I was more of a night owl? With the legendary skill of tripping over flat surfaces?

Uncovering Sparta the Parakeet, King of Sparkta's cage, I mumbled a 'Good morning, buddy' and promptly flew out the door, colliding with Lili, who was patiently waiting on the other side. She bade me good morning in German as I did the same, and we set out down towards the kitchen to prepare breakfast. We both agreed that we were fed up with chicken pot pies and poptarts. However, the fact that my family couldn't cook and that Vash didn't allow Lili near cooking implements for fear of injury made things difficult to eat anything else. However, with Vash out and nobody around to tattle on us (for Mother was trying to teach a dyslexic Vietnamese man English over Skype at the moment), we determined that now would be a good time to teach me how to cook, or at least get some cooked food into our bellies.

Approaching the fridge, I payed no mind to the fact that a two ounce, grey ball of feathers had landed on top of my head. The anthracite parakeet regarded Lili suspiciously with its small, almost completely black eyes. The small creature, which was exclusively black, white, and grey, was one of my best friends and a crafty warrior, often challenging others of his species to a fight for no other reason than "caz I'm awesome". In fact, Sparta came from four generations of breeding, which I organized and carried out all on my own. I raised Sparta's grandparents from the time they hatched to their deathbeds at the hands of a respiratory illness.

"A'ight! LET'S COOK!" I exclaimed, nodded resolutely, making Sparta flap his wings in an effort to remain balanced.

Lili nodded as well, scanning the fridge for ingredients.

After a few minutes of ransacking the cupboards and arguing in (broken thanks to me) German, we decided to try something easy and make macaroni and cheese.

"I wish my friend Feliciano was here." Lili mumbled, reading the back of the box. "He's a great cook. Not very smart though."

"Feliciano...that's Italian, right?"

"Ja...he...um...lived right next to us. Our property was right in between his and a scary German man's. He and the German - Ludwig - were best friends. But rather than walk around our lawn to get to his house, Feliciano would cut across our lawn. Vash never liked that...I remember one time, in the middle of the night, Feli ran out in nothing but his boxer, screaming for Ludwig's help when Vash opened fire on him with an old semi-automatic rifle for trespassing."

Neighbors? An Italian and a German? While both ethnic groups existed in Switzerland, Lili's house being sandwiched in between two neighbors' properties didn't seem likely, since the life she had described was rural and actually pretty lonely. Weird.

"That." I said. "Is hilarious. Now...we just empty this packet into the pot..."

Lili carried out the task as I read.

"Add one half cup of boiling water..."

I watched worriedly as she dumped hot water into the pot, explaining how we would have to heat it up.

"And now we turn the oven up to 220 degrees and let it boil for ten minutes."

"_210_?!" Lili exclaimed. "That's insane! We just need it at 100 to boil the water!"

I frowned, puzzled. Lili was smart...what a weird slip-up. "Lili...water boils at 212 degrees."

"No, no. Like I said, 200 sounds too hot."

It suddenly hit me that we were using two different temperature systems.

"Lil!" I exclaimed upon my realization. "The box is using Fahrenheit!"

Her eye twitched, as if the thought of using something other than Celsius was alien. Welll, actually it was alien - it might as well have been.

"Alright, now we just let it boil and then-"

"Hellllooooooooooooo!" someone screamed from the entry hall, causing me to wince and nearly tip the pot over. "Duuude and duuudette? Where are y'guys?"

Lili blanched, her eye twitching even more. "No...not him. Please, please not him of all people...!"

"Alfred!" another, quieter voice chastised the first. "Quiet down! You're being very rude!"

"So? Chill out, bro! Seriously Matt, you need to be way more chill."

My eye twitching now, I grabbed a rather large frying pan from where it was hanging on the wall and walked silently towards the entry hall, my socks silencing my footsteps, with Sparta migrating to my shoulder.

"Alright!" I demanded, rounding the corner and brandishing the frying pan. "WHO THE HELL WAS THINKING THEY COULD JUST BARGE IN HERE?!"

Standing before me were two rather tall young men - both blonde and wearing glasses. They could have even been twins. The taller one was wearing a brown leather bomber jacket with an airplane on the sleeve and blue jeans. The shorter of the two (just barely) wore a red hoody and blue jeans, and seemed to be in the processing of jumping back in fright.

"Oh, we're sorry, eh!" he exclaimed. "I tried to stop him, eh, but he just-"

"'Eh?'" I asked, tilting my head at an angle. "'EH?' HOLY CRAP, A CANADIAN! SICK 'EM, SPARTA!"

On my command, Sparta fluttered forward with surprising speed for such a small, puffy creature, and began screeching and trying pecking the Canadian's face off, hovering around his head.

"OH MY GOD! HELP!" the Canadian screamed in terror. "GOD, HELP ME ALFRED, IT'S SO DAMN FLUFFY! BIRD SHOULDN'T BE THIS FLUFFY BRO, THEY JUST SHOULDN'T!"

As the Canadian fell to the ground (Matt, I assumed), Alfred stepped forward, hands raised up, palms out, as if showing me that he wasn't a threat. "Call the bird off, dude! My lil' bro wasn't hurting anyone!"

"NEVER!"

"Come man, THIS IS MADNESS!"

Smirking, I held the frying pan up. "MADNESS? THIS. IS. SPARTA THE PARAKEEEEEET!"

The man received a blow to the head from my frying pan, sending him to the ground.

"We're done for, dude!" Alfred exclaimed, crawling over to his brother, who was still under assault. "GAME OVER MAN, GAME OVER!"

Silently, I stopped my advance on the intruders. This guy. He could make references on the spot. I liked him.

Lili appeared behind me. "Machs nichts!" she screamed, ordering us all to 'do nothing'. The Liechtensteiner swiftly kicked me in between the legs and flipped me backwards over her shoulder, knocking the wind out of me, before dispatching the other two in a similar manner, even grabbing Sparta and wrapping him lightly in a towel so that he could peck-no-more.

She stopped her epic ninja sequence and regarded up all with glares, dragging out limp, aching bodies over to the wall. Standing over us with her hands on her hips, she demanded in German just 'What the hell was going on?!'.

"These guys were trespassing!" I defended myself.

"Dude, you sound like Vash, man!" Alfred, to my left, exclaimed.

"You know Vash?" I demanded. "Why didn't you just-"

"Because you sicked your parakeet on me, then brained my brother with a frying pan!" Matthew, to my right, exclaimed.

The two glared at me, and I glared back in both directions to the best of my ability, giving me a ridiculous cross-eyed expression. After a few minutes of arguing, Lili allowed us all to stand up and quickly introduced us to each other.

"Alfred, Michael, Michael, Alfred, Matthew, Michael, Matthew, Michael. Guys, this is my friend Michael. Michael, these are my...erm...friends, Alfred and Matthew. They're friends and colleagues of Vash."

I glared at the two a little more for good measure, then walked over to floor where Sparta seemed to be taking a nap inside of his towel, and recovered to poor parakeet, replacing him to his rightful place on my head,

"NOW." I exclaimed, clasping my hands together. "Who wants some damn Mac'n'Cheese?"

* * *

**A\N: **Sorry again for the wait...you know, to those who actually like my writing. I decided to add America and Canada (at least momentarily) because I...because I love them, kay? I thought that my opportunities for derpy insanity would be exponentially larger with them involved. But...why are they in Maroontownscrewthename? Well...that's certainly a question that needs to be answered, isn't it?

I'm trying to have some semblance of a story while at the same time having derpy adventures, so I hope I don't ruin the story while trying to do that. I want plenty of fun filler chapters.

The chapter name means "Twin Intruders". Oh, and did you notice? _Zwilling__means twin? _Therefore, Zwingli is derived from 'twin', and referencing the fact that Switzie and Liechtenstein are extremely close (and apparently similar) siblings. Or I may be way off. SCREW MY LOGIC.

Oh: what constitutes 'M' language? I'm assuming anything beyond the 'B-words' and 'A-word'? 'Cause...teenagers in derpy situations.


	7. Argwohn

**DISCLAIMER: **Why do people put disclaimers on every chapter? Me no owny. What's so hard to understand about that?

I also edited some of the previous chapters with a few tweaks and corrections, so if you feel like skimming through those again, be my guest.

* * *

All sitting around the table, Lili and I filled four bowls with partially burnt macaroni and cheese, serving our guests to the best of our ability. Lili was adamant about waiting for Vash to return from work before letting Alfred and Matthew leave, which meant that I had to listen to the two siblings squabble for the next six hours, easily.

It wasn't all that bad though - Alfred knew movies and video games. Our in depth discussion about what the plot of _28 Months Later_ would be if it were actually produced, the actual intentions of Abby from _Let Me In_, the hidden developers' map in _Call of Duty: Black Ops II_, and how best to combat deathclaws in _Fallout_ quickly left the other two present in the dust, as they spoke about ice skating and football - soccer, I assumed. I finally decided that Alfred was a funny, cool guy, who didn't deserve to be brained with a frying pan. His brother on the other hand seemed quiet - very quiet. I likely wouldn't have noticed him if not for the Canadi-adar chip that was implanted into my brain at birth. He seemed like the kind of guy who just faded into the crowd.

After six hours of wasted Saturday, the front door finally opened in the manner I had become accustomed to thinking of as Vash's way - quickly and loudly, as to "minimize the amount of time the door is left open in which warm air can escape the house, thus lowering the heating bill". And we didn't even pay a heating bill.

Following the lingering scent of smoke, Vash stepped into the door frame to the dining room, stopping mid-sentence demanding why he smelled burnt Italian food. Silently, he stood there, glaring at the four of us for a good two minutes, mouth hanging open. Finally, as Lili and I knew would happen, he erupted.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU TWO THINK YOU'RE DOING HERE?!" he shouted, swiftly producing a pistol from seemingly nowhere. "I'LL SHOOT YOU FOR TRESPASSING!"

Alfred and Matthew, sprang to their feet, hands in the air, as Lili stood on the sidelines, watching fearfully as events began to escalate. I stayed sitting.

"Relax dude!" Alfred tried to reason (a futile effort). "This little dude here just about killed us when we came through the front door. Mattie's gonna be nursing peck wounds for weeks, and I think I got a concussion."

Vash quickly looked at me and nodded approvingly, before continuing his death glare at the twins - or almost twins. I had yet to ask the two if they were really twins, or just really similar siblings.

"Besides, bro, it's my property!"

The death glare faltered for a moment as Matthew let out an 'eep' to rival Lili's, for she 'eep'd as well. All four individuals seemed to stop doing whatever they were doing for a fraction of a second and glance ever so slightly my way.

"Oh, shut up, Al! Just because you work at the American Department of Defense, doesn't mean you own this house!"

Alfred considered this fact for a moment before shrugging. "Yeah, yeah, 'spose so."

Vash regained his hostile demeanor. "So, why are you two even here?" he asked, lowering the handgun.

The twins looked from Vash to me, and said nothing.

"Out." Vash order, pointing at me.

"But-"

"Lili too. Go, both of you."

"But big bruder-" Lili said.

"OUT. SCHNELL!"

Seeing that Vash was on the verge of double clicking ' ', we both hightailed it out of the dining room as fast as possible, landing in the living room a moment later.

"That was weird." I mumbled. "Guess the 'grownups' have to talk or something. What'd'ya think that was about, hey?"

Lili shrugged. "Ich nichts-...um, I don't know."

Regarding Lili quizzically, a plopped down on the couch and flipped on the television just as muffled voices began coming from the dining room. Wondering if I could get away with it and listen in on the conversation, I started to randomly mute and unmute the television in five second intervals, so that it wouldn't be quiet long enough for the adults to get suspicious.

"..._mounting tensions in eastern Europe as the Eurasian Union continues its push for Polish and Balkan membership_..."

"...the embassy in D.C., dude. The one we leaked that we were all staying at? I think Wang..."

"..._analysts are unsure as to the implications of Chinese military maneuvers along the North Korean border and at the edge of Taiwan's territorial waters, but..._"

"...have to get this project wrapped up, pronto, eh! Things are becoming dangerous. I'd hate to see..."

"..._NATO still threatening sanctions against the increasingly aggressive Russian Federation, although UN officials feel that..._"

"...schlecht. Sehr schlecht. I could've sworn I saw Berwald on the plane to Chicago a week ago. He could be..."

"..._and if that weren't enough already, the newly formed 'Nordic Coalition' has recently voiced its support for the Eurasian Union, stating that the promotion of social democracy throughout the developed world will greatly increase the..."_

_"..._move soon, agreed? But we can't draw suspicion to ourselves. If we do, Ivan and a team of Spetsnaz will be on us like rabid dogs."

Wait, what?

"Totally, dude. I'm worried about what's coming. We might need to get involved if he keeps pushing Feliks."

"Nein! I'm not getting involved in anything. I'm simply trying to maintain peace by reasoning with anyone who will listen, and right now, Ivan, Wang, and whoever else is buying into that Eurasian Commonwealth crap isn't listening."

"Yeah, we know, eh; but, isn't there some way for you to help out if it means preventing World-"

At that second, Lili quickly snatched the remote from me and muted the television, apparently fed up with my eavesdropping. Standing up, I processed everything that I had just heard. Spetsnaz? The embassy in D.C.? A dangerous project?

"Michael!" Lili said. "Just let it go, ja? It's not nice to eavesdrop."

I didn't listen, and began to walk towards the stairs. There was some serious research to be done, both on these individuals and the current geopolitical situation at hand.

"Uh, don't you want to watch TV?" Lili asked.

"Nah. Got some homework I forgot to do." I lied.

I realized that there was silence from the dining room.

"What homework? We didn't have anything assigned yesterday."

"A research paper - extra credit, ya' know?"

"A research paper on what?"

"A dangerous project."

At the foot of the stairs, I smiled to myself, patting myself on the back for being cool under the circumstances. Lili did nothing but sit there as I ascended the stairs. I was being an idiot - I should have left it alone. But I couldn't help myself, really. Honestly. I just loved a good read.

* * *

Sitting up alone in my room, I scanned through various articles and reports I found online, copy-pasting the ones that seemed useful. I was even using the Chrome extension 'Stealthy' to make it harder for people to trace me. I felt like some sort of spy! A quick, high pitched _PING _from my computer made me stop momentarily, then smirk. There were perks to being in a military family; like your cousin being an information-intelligence-technology expert, and teaching you how to use all sorts of nifty programs and tricks. Such as tracking people who were trying to hack into your computer.

Smiling deviously, I opened the e-mail I had set up for this occasion, project3 . If you were a tricky guy like me or my cousin, you could use an address like that for a short amount of time before it got reported and taken down by the host. I sent an e-mail titled 'Assessment', with a small batch file attached, disguised as ' '.   


Several minutes later, I heard Vash scream in frustration as his computer spontaneously deleted the Sys32 folder after opening a report from the Department of Defense. My suspicions confirmed, I kept digging, confident in my ability to fend off anyone who was less than a professional hacker...unless of course, Vash busted through my door and held a gun to my head. Damn; the fatal flaw in my plan. I might have been able to convince Dad to help me - stand guard, but he would be at the armory for another two hours at least.

Lili had to be involved in all of this too- she had seemed extremely keen on keeping me from doing my 'research paper'. But at the same time, she hadn't stopped me from eavesdropping and drop-kicked me, which suggested that she and Vash needed to remain undercover.

Slowly but surely, I began to piece together several important facts, saving the files to a protected, encrypted zip folder on a password protected flash drive that I almost always carried with me. Smiling, I started to laugh. It was just a little chuckle at first, but then I was laughing, then on the floor in an uproar. I had just beat some sort of international intelligence ring, for the moment at least. With a disguised batch file and a Chrome extension! ME! Some nobody, fifteen year old kid from Wisconsin!

Regaining my composure and shutting down my computer, I stood up. I felt better. Stronger. More adequate. Before I could further revel in my victory, a voice cut shot up through the house, causing my ears to hurt and Mom to whine about how she couldn't teach dyslexic foreigners with all the racket.

"MICHAEL SPEAR! GET DOWN HERE! SCHNELL! SCHNELL!"

* * *

**A\N: **Aaaand...SUDDENLY WE HAVE A PLOT. A crappy, hastily thought out plot that I have revealed far too much of, but still a plot nonetheless. Things are going to get derpier and a little crazy from here, with plenty of filler chapters to quench my thirst for being an idiot. The chapter title translates to "Suspicion" or "Weariness".


	8. Uppenbarelse

**DISCLAIMER: **Still trying to discover why the ancient ritual of every-chapter-disclaimers exists.

Also, school interfered. Also also, finals coming up. So to anyone who actually enjoys my stupid writing, thanks for baring with me. :/

* * *

Wearily, I crept down the stairs, peering into the living room where, the foursome of Lili, Vash, Alfred, and Matthew were sitting.

"Oi, you wanted something?" I asked, peering around the corner. "I got homework to do."

Vash looked over at me raising an eyebrow. "Ja. I've been shouting for five minutes! You're good with computers right?"

"I suppose. Why?"

"Can you figure out why my laptop just committed suicide?"

For a moment, I felt awed and exhilarated that Vash might actually not realize that it was me who foiled him, if only for the moment. However, I realized a second later that it would be too easy for things to happen that way. Life didn't just..._do that_.

"What do you mean?" I asked walking over and leaning over the back of the couch, peering at Vash's laptop's blank screen with feigned interest.

"I was just checking my e-mail, I opened an attachment, and it just freaking shut down. I can't turn it back on, either!"

"Did the battery die?"

"I have it plugged in." He showed me the cord.

"What kind of attachment did you open?"

"Something from work." the Swiss stated. "Then the command prompt popped up with some text, and a second later my laptop died."

"What did the command prompt say?"

"I don't know! I didn't have enough time to-"

"Batchers" I said as a matter-of-factly. "Real problem."

"Batchers?" Lili asked, genuinely confused.

"Kind of like hackers. They like to grief random people. My guess is that they did something to your system registry, or maybe even System 32."

Vash scowled, and looked over at his two friends. "So...I can't salvage it?"

"Probably not." I shrugged, walking around and plopping down next to Lili. "So, what else is up?"

They all seemed to look at each other at once, some sort of unspoken conversation passing between them. My radar immediately went up. Did I just give myself away by showing my knowledge of Batching.

"Did I mention?" Lili asked. I slowly shook my head 'No'. "We're all going out for ice cream to celebrate Matthew's promotion. Do you want to come with?"

I continued shaking my head 'No'. "Nein. Sorry - I gotta finish my homework."

That had to be the oldest trick in the book, right? I get into a car with them under the pretenses of ice cream acquisition, and they drive out into the woods to dispose of me?

"What homework?"

"Extra credit. For World History."

"Oh?" Alfred, who had been quiet until now, said. "What's the extra credit on?"

Thinking fast, I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "The Helvetic Republic."

Everyone raised an eyebrow, which was becoming a very popular sport here, almost more so than grumbling - Alfred and Matthew in confusion, Vash and Lili in question.

"The ancestor of the Swiss Confederation?" Vash inquired. "Or are you talking about the Napoleonic client state, the Helvetic Confederacy?"

"The ancestor state." I answered. "I just like European history, okay?"

The room was silent for a moment. The four looked at each other again, Lili with a noticeable expression of helplessness. Lili stood up stiffly and hurried out of the room.

"How much do you know?" Vash asked.

"About Helvetica? Well-"

"You know what I mean."

I sat stunned. My suspicions were correct? I had been right?! Should I admit to it, with the risk that three older, significantly larger, stronger men might beat me to death in my own living room? Or should I pull a Nixon on it all and deny everything? As much as I enjoy creepy presidents like Nixon, I decided that chances were Vash and company already knew that I knew things.

"Quite a bit." I said offhandedly. "Some fairly basic things."

"Such as?"

"The Hetalia Organization. When translated, I discovered that it was a portanemeu of the Japanese words for 'useless Italy'." With no comment from the others, I continued on. "There are almost exactly 206 members, which also happens to be the number of national entities in the world, including several disputed states, which leads me to believe that there is one representative from every nation on Earth in membership of the Organization."

A sharp intake of breath from Matthew, while the other two remain stone-faced.

"Thus, I can conclude, that since there are four individuals of four different nationalities in this household that seem to have connections to said Organization, that the American, Canadian, Swiss, and Liechtensteiner representatives are standing before me."

Suddenly, I feel something cold against the back of my head, pushing against my fluffy, shaggy hair. The round shape makes my eyes widen. I know exactly what it is - a gun. And there's only one person who I couldn't see in the room.

"Lil?" I asked, struggling to maintain my composure in the rapidly escalating situation. "W-what's...what's with the gun, bro?"

"Just a precaution, Mike." Matthew assured my quietly, mustering up a warm smile.

"Don't worry." Lili says sweetly. "Just following protocol.?"

"Protocol?!" I exclaim. "What protocol says to hold a gun to a teenager's head?!"

"What else do you know?" Vash demands, locking eyes with me.

"I-I know that you're all split. Split into different cells that line up with real world alliances! NATO, the Eurasian Union, Arab League, the Sino-Pact, Nordic Coalition, all of them. I'm assuming the Al and Matt are part of the NATO cell," I say quickly. "And, uh, that you and Lils aren't aligned with anyone."

"So, you don't know anything of what we do, what we stand for, and what we _are_?" Vash leans in close.

"N-no. That's all I found. I swear!"

"You will speak of this event and your knowledge with _nobody_. Understand? If you do, _there will be consequences_." he hisses.

I thought we were cool. Friends, me, Lili, and Vash. But apparently I was just expendable collateral that added to their cover. I can't put into words the sense of betrayal and pain that I felt then. Not only were my new friends some sort of secret agents, but they were holding me at gunpoint too! This was emotionally heavy - a real drama bomb. Things like this didn't just happen - they only happened in movies! A knock came at the door. Six quick and heavy rapps.

"I'll get it, bruhs!" I declared, shooting to my feet - actually, bad choice of words - bulleting...damn it - to my feet, in spite of the weapon aimed at me and quickly strided over to the door. I could sense Alfred and Lili following close behind me, weapons undoubtedly aimed. I opened the door.

"Hello?" I asked. "Spear residence. What do you want?"

Standing before me was a very tall man in a blue trench coat. He had medium length blonde hair - what with with blonde hair lately? Vash, Lils, Alfred, Matthew, too many people in the same square mile had blonde hair! - erm...anyway...where was I? A man in a blue trench coat, with blonde hair and greenish-blue eyes towered over me. He was so tall, I was staring into his stomach, much like I did when Alfred was standing at his full height, or even Matthew - despite the man's shy demeanor, he was tall like his brother.

"Uh, can I help you...?" I asked.

The man adjusted a pair of silver glasses, and said nothing. He looked like a seriously scary guy. After staring at him for a good thirty seconds, he finally spoke.

"My name is Berwald Oxensternia." he said in a baritone, singsong, obviously Swedish accented voice. "And you should really get your head down."

Before I had time to react, the man had pushed me to the ground as gunfire erupted behind me. Bullets whizzed past my head as I went down, and I involuntarily cried out in surprise at the sudden cacophony of noise and light. The man moved surprisingly fast for someone his size, grabbing me by the collar of my shirt and pulling me close to his chest, raising a handgun of his own and letting off several shots. There were too many bullets coming from his direction for him to be firing alone, though. He had to have backup on the sidewalk.

I desperately tried to process all of this information as quickly as possible. Swedish man. Shooting at NATO and neutral members of the Hetalia Organization. Sweden. Nordic Coalition. Aligned with Eurasian Union, therefore aligned against NATO. Eur-freaking-eka. This Mister Oxensternia had to be backed up by several other Scandinavian agents right now. Before I knew it I was being forced to run, then shoved into a vehicle, and then everything got all hazy.

* * *

Singsong voices. A characteristic of the melodic Scandinavian languages, which use 'tones', which I had no knowledge of in Swedish grammar. Back on topic: singsong voices are what I heard. People speaking Swedish. I opened my eyes slowly, coming out of my little coma.

"He's waking up!" someone exclaimed in English.

"Shut up! Give him some space!" another voice ordered.

"We wouldn't need to give him space if _somebody_ hadn't gone and given him a concussion!" yet another person stated angrily.

"Everyone calm down!" a deeper voice commanded. A familiar voice. Berwald Oxensternia?

I pieced together what had happened. I had just confirmed that Lili, Vash, Alfred, and Matthew were members of a top secret international organization, while being held at gunpoint by my best friend. Then, I was threatened, there was a knock at the door...a tall guy in blue was there, guns were fired, and I was...kidnapped?

Fully opening my eyes, I recoiled at the face hovering over me.

"Hahlo!" a blonde man, different from Berwald, exclaimed. "Are you being alright?"

Tilting my head to the side, I saw four other men standing next to each other - one was Berwald, the other was glaring at Berwald, while the other two were merely maintaining a cold indifference to the current situation. All of them were wearing differing military uniforms, though blue seemed to be a common theme, save for the man Berwald was having a staring contest with, who wore red and black. The man hovering over me seemed to be the only one concerned with the kidnapped teenager laying on the floor. Laying on the floor where?

Looking around, I saw only generic bluish-grey walls. I was laying on soft, grey carpet. Deciding to start out on the right foot with all of these guys. Shooting a sitting position, despite my spinning head, I looked at the man next to me and asked very bluntly, "Are you my mummy?" in the best English accent I could.

All of them looked at me like I was crazy for what seemed like an eternity, before the man in black - he had somewhat spiky hair that set him apart from the others - finally laughed. "Doctor Who! I like this guy!"

As strange as it may sound, I had long been planning for my own kidnapping, simply because I could. I had decided that in the unlikely event, I would attempt to win the trust of my kidnapper by being a lovable, adorkable derp, then steal a weapon and murder them in cold blood in the middle of the night. That wasn't seeming likely though, what with five different kidnappers.

"Like?" I asked, trying to appear as derpy as possible despite the situation. "You _are _the weakest link. Goodbye."

"Enough messing around." Berwald said before Spiky-Hair could respond. The giant walked over to me and crouched beside me. It was like he was glaring through my very soul. "How much do you know?"

I assumed the pretzel-leg position, figuring these guys weren't going to hurt me for now. What was wrong with me? Shouldn't any sane teenage commence freaking out...oh, five minutes ago? I quickly recounted everything I had told Vash, figuring that I had nothing to lose at this point.

"I presume that you five are the Nordic Cell of the Organization?" I asked.

Berwald said nothing.

"You're the Swedish agent, I know that. That guy in the black coat is probably Danish...because I'm a nerd and know the black and red were important colors for Denmark in medieval times. This guy in light blue would be...Finnish? Blue sailor-suit over there is Norwegian?"

Still nothing from Berwald, but a look of surprise from Spiky, so at least knew I guessed him right.

"And where am I being from?" the youngest looking of the group, not much older than me, asked. He wore a greyish-brown sailor uniform.

After a moment of thinking, I answered "Greenland? Wait, no...um...Iceland!"

The teenager said nothing, but looked satisfied. The room was silent for a while.

"Those people in your house tried to kill you." Berwald stated. "We're the only reason you're alive right now."

"What? Nahuh! They weren't going to kill me, they were-"

"They began firing before you ducked. They were trying to hit you."

"Why would they do that? They said we were cool!"

"Because you were a liability. A loose end."

"Okay, so why aren't I a liability to you?"

Silence. "Because we can use you. As a weapon."

"Against NATO?"

He nodded.

"How could I possibly be used as a weapon against NATO? And more importantly, why would I fight against my own country?"

"Because it's what is right."

"How so? Justify your reasoning."

I wondered if I was being stupid, acting brave in this particular situation. I expected Berwald to get angry that I was arguing with him, but he remained calm.

"World War 3 is about to begin, and the United States of America will be the primary instigator. The European Union is becoming more powerful than the North Atlantic Treaty Organization itself, the Eurasian Commonwealth is reforming the Soviet Union and then some, eastern Asia is unified under the Sino-Pact - the world is gearing up for war. Nations have to align themselves or be crushed. The Arab League is price gouging oil, and America has every intention of taking it by force."

I sat there stunned. Just sat there. My puny American teenager brain couldn't process what it was hearing.

"_WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE?!_" I shouted, releasing the the inner overeactionary whom I always tried to suppress. This wasn't something I could deal with. "Just let me go home! Seriously! I don't know what you want me to do, but whatever it is I can't do it!"

The Finnish man recoiled a bit at my sudden outburst, but Berwald remained stoic. He took a deep breath.

"That's a good question." he said. "Who exactly _are _we? I think I can answer your question, if be me. Just a little."

"Wh-?"

"Look into my eyes."

"What? Why would I-"

Berwald placed his hands on my shoulders and locked eyes with me.

"Berwald..." the man in the blue sailor outfit said cautiously. "I'm not sure that this is being the best idea..."

"Don't worry - I know what I am doing. You like history, don't you?"

I nodded.

"Then you should love this."

I tried to back away from him, but Berwald held me in place with an iron grip. My eyes widened as the world seemed to fade away.

* * *

I was looking through the eyes of another person. A very tall person. A name came to mind: Berwald Oxensternia. My mind was hazy. I knew who I was, but at the same time I thought I was someone else. I couldn't remember some very important things, such as my name, my age, or even my own face. There was a voice in my head though - not my own - telling me things I knew were false. I was Berwald Oxensternia. The year was 1397.

Beside me stood the Finnish man, and before me were the three other guys from the Nordic Cell, except dressed in clothes of the period. The Icelandic teenager was a young child, holding the Norwegian's hand. Hands that weren't my own signed a document that would officially and legally form the Kalmar Union between Denmark, Sweden, and Norway.

There was a bright flash of light, and suddenly it was dusk, and I was walking in the woods with the Finnish man, each of us carrying large packs on our backs. _Running away_. The words just came to me, and I understood.

Another flash. It was 1700. _The Battle of Narva_. I stood tall, at the head of an entire army. Just a short distance away was a charging army of..._of Russians_. Information began flooding into my head as I locked eyes through a blizzard with an even taller, silver haired and purple eyed man. _Ivan__. _Time accelerated, and the Swedish Army cheered at they achieved a decisive victory.

There was another flash, and then another - they began coming in quick succession, detailing to me every battle of the Great Northern War as the Swedish Empire fell from power at the hands of the Russian, Polish-Lithuanian, and Danish empires, despite assistance from Britain. Pain ripped through my body each time, signalling the end of my empire. Not just the end of my empire, but the end of...of _me._

* * *

"Nej! Snälla! Bara göra det sluta! Vänligen bara göra det sluta!" I shouted, despite knowing no Swedish at all.

My body was twitching and spazzing out as my puny human mind struggled to comprehend all of the pain and suffering it had just witnessed. I regained my composure and looked up at Berwald, seeing him in a new light. With wide eyes and a tone of awe in my voice, I stated one simple fact. "You're the Kingdom of Sweden."

* * *

**A\N:** Nordics make everything cooler. Also, OOC Nordics courtesy of _moi. _I began this with no plot in mind at all, but I'm going to screw with Mike's mind, make him question the very definition of "right" and "wrong", and some other deep psychological crap that will drive him insane and make for a completely different story than I began writing in the first place. WHOO! The chapter title is Swedish for "revelation".


	9. Verrat

**DISCLAIMER: **I guess if I forget to put a disclaimer on just one of my chapters, I get my bum sued off? At least, that's what my fear mongering friends have been saying. Let's test it out, shall we? I don't own-oop! GERONIMOOO!

* * *

Berwald nodded, his expression still as stoic as ever. The others, however, actually had expressions. The Dane - no, Denmark - looked fairly panicked, the Norwegian and Icelander - Norway and Iceland - had faint looks of concern about them, while the Finn - Finland - looked genuinely concerned for my well-being.

"Come with us." Berwald ordered, leaving me little time to recover from my dazed, thoroughly freaked out state.

The giant put a hand on my shoulder and firmly but gently guided me out of the room, down a blank white hallway, me being unable to react due to information overload, well, overloading my brain. As was becoming a ritual for me, I began to lay out the facts I knew and considering them: the Organization I had dug up had member's whom were the...the actual...countries they were representing?

"So, a personification of a landmass?" I asked aloud. "Or a citizen singled out who represents certain aspects of a nation?"

I considered Lili and Vash. Vash was loud, brash, and violent. Nothing like the neutral, peacemaking Switzerland that existed in Europe. Lili, on the other hand, was quiet and thoughtful most of the time, if a bit ditzy. However, I knew nothing about the country of Liechtenstein to compare her to. Then there were Alfred and Matthew, who were brothers. Twins. That would make sense, I supposed. America and Canada developed alongside each other as European colonies for decades. Wait, did that mean that the 'personifications' had to be born twins, or else there wouldn't be personifications for that country at all?

But if what Berwald - Sweden? Berwald or Sweden? - if Blondie - wait, damn, pretty much everyone I knew in this town was blonde, including all of my kidnappers. I could see all of the Scandinavian personifications being blonde...but were blondes really that common in America, Canada, Switzerland, and Liechtenstein? I had no idea. My head was spinning. So, the personifications were immortal, as evidenced by what Berwald had magically showed me.

"Immortal warriors?" I blurted out, not caring how nerdy the phrase sounded. "What's the purpose?"

My captors didn't reply, though. I was blinded for a moment as we entered into a garishly lit conference room - see that word? Garishly? I used a thesaurus. Are you proud of me? Um...where was I? Oh yeah! I was guided into a brightly lit, round room with a large table in the middle, and several chairs around it. I was ordered to sit down at one, and the five...countries? Agents? They sat down on the opposite side as me, though the Icelander stood behind me, hands folded behind his back, probably there in case I decided to bolt. They probably didn't have the Dane or Berwald standing there because it would intimidate me much more than having someone just slightly bigger than me there.

Berwald - Sweden - adjusted his glasses and produced a manilla folder from his coat, which he slid across the table to me. I looked at it apprehensively for a moment, looking at the word stamped in large, red letters across the front: CLASSIFIED. After a moment of further examination, I realized something - it didn't say 'CLASSIFIED', but 'KLASSIFICERAS'.

"Swedish?" I asked, my voice cracking. "Why _the hell _can I read Swedish?!"

"An unfortunate side effect of my actions." Berwald stated, not fazed by my alarm. "If you don't use it at all, you might forget it in a few decades."

Alright, new fact: I had learned fluent Swedish against my will in twenty seconds. Berwald nodded towards the folder. I picked it up cautiously, opening it and letting the contents drop out onto the table. I began examining the various papers, creeped out that they were all in Swedish and I understood them perfectly. What I saw...confused me, more than anything. Scared me, is more accurate actually. I understood the military jargon and Politicaleese thanks to my obsession with military history. What scared me were the statistics, reports, and facts.

Satellite pictures of troop and armor formations, naval fleets, and population centers. Reports put together with information about NATO troops located in Central Europe. Projections for the number of civilian casualties in the event of nuclear strikes against Beijing, Moscow, and Stockholm. Calculations relating to how quickly and efficiently American invasions of Saudi Arabia, Iran, and several other Arab countries could be completed.

"_Helig_..." I breathed. "B-but-...why...?! Why would America-? Why would you-? Why do you need _me__?_"

Berwald crossed his arms. "First of all, allow me to apologize for the...uncomfortable circumstances of this meeting. I realize that you were forced into this situation against your will. In answer to your question: because they trust you. Vash and Lili, at least. To them you're a harmless cover for their operation."

It hurt me a bit to hear him say that. I thought that me and Lily were becoming friends.

The Dane sniggered a bit and whispered to the Finn. "This is more than I've heard Ber talk all year!"

Berwald continued. "I understand that you have many questions, and may be a bit panicked. That will have to wait though. I'm going to ask you one question, and I want you to answer it: will you assist the Eurasian Commonwealth? Now, before you answer that, allow me to lay down some facts for you:

The Eurasian Commonwealth is supported by the Nordic Coalition and allied with the Pan-Asian Commonwealth. North America is slowly coming into union under the Union of North American States, while South America tries to sort out its differences. The European Union is slowly becoming a military-political alliance with no alignment, while the Middle East slowly descends into chaos. Africa meanwhile serves to see a Second Age of Imperialism, with European, Asian, and American corporations, both private and state, staking claims in the resources of the continent's many third world, unstable nations. The European Union and Eurasian Commonwealth have already engaged - two black-operations units - Russian and Italian - have been engaging each other on and off for several days, and American forces are declaring Italy unsafe due to terrorist activity, demanding permission to occupy the nation and root out the enemy. This, of course, would allow them access to numerous ports throughout the Apennine peninsula, thus giving them complete control of the Mediterranean."

I slowly absorbed this. Thank God for NationStates and strategy games; most of this made sense to me, but at the same time...didn't.

"Switzerland, and by extension Liechtenstein, have been holding out in joining the new, military-political Europe, fearing for their independence. So, they've turned to the American nations in secret to hold the rest of Europe at bay and guarantee its independence, which is why Alfred Jones and Matthew Williams visited your home. Vash is undercover, working on a project in this town with Alfred. What it is, we don't know.

So, knowing all of this, what is your answer?"

"Once...once again," I said. "Why would I betray my country?"

"Because, it's about to be the instigator of World War III. You'd be helping him by helping prevent that from happening."

_Him_? Didn't you normally refer to countries as _it_?

"So, Alfred is..."

"The United States of America."

I remained silent. "How do I know you're telling the truth?"

"You seem like a smart boy. Examine the evidence and draw your own conclusions."

"What if I refuse?"

They all remained silent, their stoic expressions turning grim. I took this as a very bad sign. I continued despite their silence.

"Or, or, what if I get found out and they try to shoot me? Huh?"

To this, the Finn had an answer. "There's always room up in Scandinavia." he said cheerfully. So, in other words, I could always defect and go live in the Land of the Midnight Sun?

"Great, but I wouldn't understand a single word someone said to me."

"You would if you came to Sweden. Stockholm is quite lovely." Berwald answered.

"Seriously," the Dane exclaimed. "Since when does Ber talk? Or use the word _lovely_?"

"I talk when I need to talk." Berwald stated. He continued looking at me with that...glare? Was it even a glare? A leer? A simple stare? Gah, it was hard to read this guy! All of these guys, actually.

Putting aside my panic and doubt, I looked over the folder again, becoming more at ease with the situation and the fact presented to me at the minutes ticked away. My country was the villain here...well, I guess that's what happens when you try to play World Police by yourself - the one cop goes dirty. As I was about to speak, my voice caught in my throat and I looked up at Berwald.

"S-so..." I choked out. "You want me to gather intelligence for you? About Vash and the others? Like, peak at secret documents, hack their computers, eavesdrop, that sort of thing?"

He nodded. "If you choose to go about it that way, yes."

The Icelander shifted from foot to foot behind me, probably getting tired from standing for such a long time. "I don't see why you wouldn't just be able to be doing the weaseling and trick them into answering some questions..."

"Welp," I scoffed, "I'm not the most persuasive guy in town."

Why was I being so casual with my kidnappers? Oh Jesus, was this Stockholm Syndrome? Was I slowly growing to like my kidnappers, of which I've only had a conversation with one and a few words exchanged with two? Wait..._Stockholm_ syndrome. Damn you, fate, tricky, tricky fate, doing wordplay like that!

I came to a decision. The facts didn't seem to lie. Was I betraying my country? Probably. I wasn't an idiot though...right?"

"So, what are the terms of this...job?" I asked.

"Simply, you gather intelligence for us on a bi-weekly basis, handing over whatever you find on Monday and Thursday, and we provide you with..."

Berwald trailed off, as if unsure how to word the sentence.

The Norwegian stepped forward, speaking the first words I had heard out of him. "Insurance. We will be doing the providing you with insurance. If anything happens to compromise your mission, we guarantee you and your family safety in one of the Nordic Coalition countries."

That didn't sound right...

"But what do _I _get out of it?" I demanded. "You know, besides a warm fuzzy feeling inside? The only thing you're offering me is to save my butt because of trouble I may get in because I'm working for you in the first place."

The Norwegian looked puzzled. "Emile? Use your younger logic or something." he said, looking past me at the Icelander...Emile?

Emile shifted again. "I always thought it was every teenage boy's dream to be some sort of super spy?" the Icelander said innocently, raising an eyebrow.

"There's a difference between James Bond and James Bean, bro. I've been called a soulless nerd whose going to burn in Hell with his books - I'm not going to do this for the sake of humanity."

They all looked distressed. I was in no position to be negotiating, of course. However, they negotiated. They really did.

* * *

"You are understanding the plan then?" Emile asked me.

"Y-YEA-yeah." I answered, yelping as the speeding van hit a pothole.

"Remember, tuck and roll. Try not to flail around. If you do it quick enough, they won't suspect a thing."

"Erm...got'cha?"

"You know the first meeting site then?"

"Ja. Uh, yeah."

The teenager put a hand on my shoulder as the Finn and Norwegian pushed the back doors open.

"Good luck." Emile wished me, before shoving me full force out of the van at forty miles per hour.

I went tumbling, trying to roll to the best of my ability but failing miserably. Oh well. More realistic, right? Footsteps were rapidly approaching - more than one pair. Making a last minute decision, I decided to feign unconsciousness. It was the best idea I could come up with until I could think of a reasonable story. I was suddenly grabbed up and began moving. Opening an eye every so slightly, I saw that I was being rushed inside my - our - house on a green jacketed shoulder. I made a detached, slight groaning noise that I hoped would transmit to anyone else that I was 'in pain'.

The air was filled with German conversation that I only understand a bit of, but someone was throwing a few comments out in English too. Was that Alfred? It must be. The voice was too loud to be Matthew's. I was deposited on the living room couch, where someone examined me for a moment.

"Michael?" Vash asked uncertainly. "SPEAR! WAKE THE HELL UP!"

"You can't do that!" Lili exclaimed. "It's rude! Plus, he was probably just beaten and interrogated - he won't respond well to violent actions."

"She's right." Matthew agreed, finally saying something audible.

"I don't care how he responds, I just want to know how much he told them!"

"He only knew a little bit! Everything he knows, they know." Matthew reasoned.

"That's...mean, big bruder!" Lili said, sounding almost offended. "Don't you care that our freund's been injured because of us?"

"If he hadn't decided to go and stick his nose into-"

"He's a teenager! Teenagers do stuff like that." Matthew stated, being strangely assertive in that whispering-yell.

"He's _dein_ _Freund_, Lili. Not mine."

"You don't even like him a bit?!"

"No. He's annoying."

"He helped me."

"Because he thinks you're cute."

"He respects you."

"_Was_?"

"He even told me - your reflexes and the way you handle your gun."

Well, that was only partially true. I had told her I thought that "Vash was cool" because "he seems on top of crap". Or something along those lines. However, I wasn't going to object to any embellishment on her part.

"Well, I suppose he's a funny little moron..." Vash complinsulted me, coming to terms with the fact that I grow on people - and nations, evidently - like a fuzzy mushroom with glasses. "Fine, how should we wake him up?"

Lili was leaning over me now. I could tell it was her because she wasn't as big as Vash or the other two.

"Mike!" she said in a calm voice, as if she were casually telling me it was noon on Saturday and I had slept in. "Schlauft nicht! Wake up, Mike."

Deciding that enough was enough, I slowly opened my eyes, making a show of looking disoriented. Looking around, I saw Matthew and a serious looking Alfred standing a few feet away, and Vash looming just behind Lili.

"What? What?" I said in a somewhat high-sounding voice that I learned to speak with from watching a certain YouTuber too much. "Switzerland? The Alps. Helvetia and the Napoleonic states. What were we talking about? Huh?"

I looked at Vash and Lili confusedly. "What the hell, guys?!" I demanded, looking past them at the clock as I swung into a sitting position. "Why is it so late? Did I, like, fall asleep or something?"

Alfred stepped forward. "Mike, how's your research project coming along?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "The one for history class?"

I raised an eyebrow in return, then blanched intentionally, looking panickedly at Lili. "Bro, we didn't have homework, did we? DID WE?"

Lili smiled, convinced that I was back to my adorkable self. "Nein." she said. "Alfred just likes messing with people."

"So, you didn't learn about...personification?" Vash asked cautiously.

"No. Why? Should I have?"

"Do you remember where you were for the past two hours?"

"I remember a big guy in blue." I stated, referring to Berwald. "That's pretty much it."

Vash and Alfred's expressions instantly changed to ones of relief.

"He was a robber." Alfred explained, plopping down next to me on the couch, speaking casually. "It's a pretty common thing - come to the door and hold you at gunpoint while he steals all your stuff instead of breaking in at night. He ran away though, but not before clonking you on the head pretty hard little dude."

I fake-shuddered. "Ugh, so that's why my head hurts?"

"Yeah. Unless you're hung over or somethin'."

I smiled. "No promises - the Doctor parties pretty hard."

"What did my parents do?" I asked nobody in particular.

"Your dad is still at work, and your Mom left a note around 3 o'clock about going to see some lady named Roxanne."

So they didn't know what happened? Good.

Alfred chuckled. "So, bro, I hear you like Call of Duty?"

"Yeah." I replied. "Wanna play?"

"Hell yeah!" Alfred replied, shooting to his feet. I followed suit, stretching.

"Come on, Lil! It's not like there's any homework to do."

I lied to the countries I betrayed.

* * *

**A\N:**

SOOORRRRRYYYYYY! Skool. Also, finals next week. So no new chapters maybe. Unless finals are in two weeks. Then I dunno. Studying? Meh.

OOC Nordics are OOC, don't yell at me.

Hm...the title means "Betrayal"...prepare for a bunch of derpy chapters of adventure, because I don't feel like being serious or...*shudders* writing a plot, at least not for a while.

Review, pwease? It lets me know I'm not doing horribly. Or _does_, depending on what the review says.

K, thx, baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiii!


	10. Revival

**DISCLAIMER: **Me no own Hetalia.

Also, procrastination.

* * *

**SOMEWHERE NOT SO FAR AWAY**

Berwald approached the door of the seventh floor flat, his usually expressionless face now one of annoyance. He knocked firmly three times, trying to ignore the strange stench that wafted through the hallways. Sure, it was a top-floor studio, but in a fairly crappy building. Behind Berwald stood Timo, who despite his normally cheerful demeanor looked a bit sour as well. With no answer coming from inside the studio, Berwald knocked again, this time much harder. From inside, someone shouted angrily ("Mi estas alvenas!") and threw open the door.

Before the two Europeans stood a rather short teenage boy who bore a striking resemblance to Mike, except for the fact that his hair was ever so slightly dirty-blonde compared to the former's. "KIO?!"

Berwald was unfazed by the teenager's shouting. "It's time, Angel."

The boy blinked a few times, confused, before groaning and trying to slam the door, which Berwald quickly caught and held open. "But my writing has sucked so far this summer!"

"It can't be being that bad." Timo offered. "Besides, compared to a lot of Hetalia fics-"

"No. Stop right there. This is as big of a fourth wall break as I'm allowing."

"_Allowing_? You can't stop me from saying-"

The boy quickly produced a small red book from seemingly nowhere, along with a sharp #2 pencil, and began writing in the book. "_Timo quickly shut up, understanding who was in charge here_."

The Finnish man did indeed shut up, unable to bring himself to say anything else. Berwald merely scowled. "Maybe if you spent less time learning Esperanto and more time writing, we wouldn't be in this predicament, Angel."

"Elĉerpas?"

"The world's been in a standstill for a month now! Literally nothing has been happening - just the same eight or so days replaying themselves over and over again as people reread the chap-"

Angel raised the pencil to the book again, leering at Berwald.

The blonde man's scowl grew even more menacing. "You know what I mean, Angel. No more Hearts of Iron and Skyrim, or sleeping until noon. Vacation is over. Time to start writing again."

"Gaaaah, fiiine. Come in."

Angel led the two into the flat, which was surprisingly clean for being the home of an unsupervised teenage boy, and flopped down into a swivel chair that was next to a rather cluttered desk with a computer on it. He pointed to two other books - a white one and a blue one.

"I'm having Writers Block, you see. I've been writing, then scrapping, then rewriting, then scrapping, and so on, for the past two months. I haven't been playing Skyrim and Hearts of-"

The boy quickly exited out of a game's title screen which read 'Hearts of Iron II: Doomsday' and swiveled back around to face the Europeans.

"I love this thing - swivelly swivel swivlicious swivel-"

"Focus, Angel!"

"Oh, yeah. Um...yeah. My writing is crap recently, basically. Most it's OOC-ness that's getting to me - I can't decide whether or not Chell should speak, and I can't for the life of me get Jean to be satisfactorily badass-IC."

On cue, his computer began making a sound similar to a ringing phone as Skype popped up with "GLaDOS calling" displayed in big white letters.

"STOP CALLING ME YOU DUMB ROBOT! I'LL WRITE WHEN I WANNA WRITE!"

He shut down the computer altogether, and an awkward silence filled the room. "That's dangerous thinking, Angel." Timo said offhandedly. "These are peoples' lives, not just a story you're writing. Your powers are a gift, and-"

The boy began cackling maniacally. "_Excuse me?_ You seem to be forgetting something, _Finny_, but _I AM GOD HERE_. I can flood half of China, devastate the Caribbean with hurricanes, cause famines, starts genocides, topple empires! I can create life itself and then destroy it a second later. I. Am. God!"

The Europeans wore shocked expressions at the sudden outburst.

"And I'm going to start World War 3. Maybe Mike and Lili get together during this time, and then are tragically ripped apart - both romantically and physically - when the American government moves to the Midwest and Wisconsin suddenly becomes the leading source of lumber, cheese, and attack birds in the country as Russo-Chinese forces invade the coasts. Or something that makes more sense, I dunno...this is my world. Now, leave."

* * *

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" I screamed, bolting upright in bed, screaming at the top of his lungs in a cold sweat, as I heard Lili do the same downstairs, followed by a door being bashed down and Vash rushing in to save his little sister from any would-be assailant.

I checked the clock. A little past one in the morning. Jumping out of bed, I threw on some socks and a hoody over my pajamas and rushed downstairs, nearly sliding off of the shiny, slippery landing in my socks and falling down the staircase. I burst into Lili's room, through an open doorway (as Vash had already beat me to that part) and demanded to know if the Silence were attacking.

Lili sat on the bed, breathing heavily, her eyes wide open, as Vash sat beside her and tried to comfort her. Vash look over to me.

"What's wrong?" he demanded.

"I, um," I stammered quite intelligently, unused to a civil conversation with Vash. "heard Lili scream. We both woke up at the same time. It was weird, so I thought it was weird, and, um...yeah."

Vash raised an eyebrow and shook his head. "You both woke up at the same time? Screaming?"

"Ye-ye, um...ja."

"Interesting...are you alright?"

"I-I'm fine. How's Lili?" The fact that Vash was even remotely concerned for my well-being scared me a bit.

"A little shocked. She seems okay."

I approached the bed and crouched down to look at Lili's - who was looking at the ground and beginning to hyperventilate - face. "Heeey, Lililili? Brooooo, you okay?"

She nodded and tried to get her breathing under control.

"Es tut mir Leid." she stammered, apologizing in German. "Did I wake you guys up?"

I shook my head. "Nah - I woke up a little before you did."

"Screaming." Vash added. "What was that all about? Did you two have nightmares?"

"I guess so." I pondered. "I don't remember it at all though...you, Lils?"

She hesitated for a minute, before nodding reluctantly. "Angels. I...saw an angel - but it wasn't a real angel. More like a demon..."

I frowned, trying to recall my own nightmare, but to no avail. Most of my dreams, unless they were especially extraordinary, vanished in oblivion, never to be seen again seconds after I woke up.

"Maybe you two were sharing a night-..." Vash began, cutting himself off and snapping his head towards the door. "GOD DAMN IT, ALFRED! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

Much to my horror, Alfred F. Jones peaked into the room, smiling like a little kid who was caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "Dude, I'm just crashing here for the night!"

"YOU HAVE SOMEWHERE TO STAY!"

"But my place is _haunted_! Plus, Mattie vanished and I can't find him anywhere!"

"Actually, I'm right here..." Matthew Williams corrected quietly, stepping out from the other side of the right side of the doorway. "Sorry, Vash. I've been trying to get him out of here for a while now."

"DUDE DID YOU HEAR THAT?!" Alfred demanded, looking panickly at Vash. "BRO, IS THIS PLACE HAUNTED TOO?!"

Lili and I immediately and spontaneously blanched, remembering out paranormal experience.

"Es ist." Lili said at the same time as I said "Det är.".

Everyone looked to me at once with a quizzical expression on their face.

"Huh?" Alfred inquired as Vash raised an eyebrow.

"What?"

"Did you..." Vash began interrogating me, "did you just speak Swedish?"

"What?"

"Swedish. You just spoke Swedish."

"Nice pajamas."

I nodded toward Vash's bright pink pajamas, which I had just noticed a moment ago, with a completely innocent, goofy smile on my face. I really had to be more careful.

Vash's face immediately darkened to an interesting shade of red and he mumbled "Es war ein Geschenk..." before standing up. "ANYWAYS, you two can't stay here. Go home."

"BUT IT'S HAAAUUUNTED!" Alfred whined.

"Shush!" I ordered, "you'll wake my parents up!"

"Like I said, you can't stay here. Just, take him home, Matthew." Vash said, sighing in frustration.

"Come on, Alfred. Lili and Mike even said, this place is haunted too!"

"_OH MY GOD! THERE IS AGAIN! _Don't make me sleep by myself!"

For the next twenty minutes, Lili, Matthew and I stood and watched Alfred and Vash argue about the former going home. It was pretty comical, what with Vash wearing his pink pajamas and tall, strong Alfred sitting pretzel-legged on the floor clutching a teddy bear to his chest.

"FINE!" Vash concluded. "You can have one of the bedrooms for tonight. There are certainly plenty to go around. Matthew, I think you should just go home - you're just making him panic."

"Duuude, this place is haunted too!"

"What do you want me to do?! Stay with you all night to make sure no monsters show up?!"

"It's not the monsters, bro, it's the GHOSTS! And yeah, that'd be preferable!"

"You can sleep on the floor in my room! CAN I PLEASE JUST GO TO SLEEP?!" I shouted, always the cranky one when deprived of sleep...when I actually wanted to sleep, that was.

Alfred's eyes lit up and he rushed over to me and engulfed me in a crushing bear hug. "Oh, thanks bruh!"

I bade everyone else good night and led the man-child upstairs, where I chucked a pillow and two blankets onto the floor for him, before jumping into my own bed.

"There are no ghosts." I lied, "Just go to sleep, dude."

"Yeah, sure, sure."

I yawned and curled into my usual ball, forming a hood with my blanket to cover my head as I closed my eyes. Sleep wouldn't come though, so I laid awake for quite a while, listening to the completely foreign sound of somebody else's breathing. Tonight was close - too close. I almost blew my cover with a slip of a language I wasn't supposed to speak.

Something occurred to me in that moment, as I listened to Alfred's breathing. It seemed too...regular. Like he was _trying_ to breath like he was asleep, instead of just doing it. One thing I had learned through books and movies was that you should breath regularly when trying to feign sleep, and Alfred...seemed to be doing just that. Why? Unless he planned on doing something nefarious to me in the middle of the-...

Damn. Damn. Damn it! Why didn't I see it sooner? Why would a grown man, a country more than two hundred years old, the most powerful nation on Earth, be afraid of ghosts and alleviate that fear by sleeping in the same room as a teenage gamer-bookworm-nihilist? Answer: he wouldn't. It was a set up. A trick. He was waiting until he was sure I was asleep before going through my stuff! For evidence, no doubt! But why do it like this? Why not sneak in while I was already asleep, or while I was at school? So he would have an excuse, that's why. He could just say he couldn't sleep and was rummaging around for something to read, or do, helping himself to my library or laptop. If he touched my laptop, I swear...hold on, why couldn't they just as easily have had Lili do this? She'd have an even better excuse since she lived here, and I wasn't hostile\nihilistic towards her in the slightest. I could be busy rummaging around in the attic or a spare room, and she could take my laptop and claim to be playing a game or something on it, and I would be none the wiser.

"_Plot holes..._" a voice in my head whispered, much to my confusion.

Wait, wait...there he went. Getting up, almost as silently as a cat. If I hadn't been totally awake, I don't think I would have heard it. Of course, a six foot tall country had to make _some _noise. Matthew would have been a better candidate - the guy moved completely silently from what I'd seen. Alfred was in the process of sorting through the pile on my desk. I waited a moment, listening as he moved on to my laptop. I heard the top portion of the laptop go up. Without thinking, I threw my blanket towards where I thought Alfred was before catapulting myself in that direction too. I made contact with his legs, bringing him down so he hit his head on the desk, wrapping the blanket around his arms.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, JACKASS?!" I demanded, knowing I wouldn't be able to hold him down.

Alfred looked up at me in shock and confusion, obviously surprised I was so quick to react, and that I reacted so violently. Actually, he seemed surprised I was even awake.

"Dude, calm down! I was just-"

"Going through my stuff? You know, usually when you're a guest, it's courteous to leave their crap alone!"

"What's the big deal, man, I-"

Glaring, I stood up. "OUT." I commanded. "Just, just get the hell out."


End file.
